“It’s NOT a Cuddle Party!”
So….it’s still that same day….that day of the first full day conference….the day of shiny red ropes and Max….the day of Dr. Love and me on Top……and apparently there was an invitation to a party in one of the rooms……okay……River…Dr. Love and I decide to go check it out….we give a knock on the door…and we are greeted with a ritual circle…soft lights…and about twelve expectant faces looking up at us….
A big spirited handsome young man welcomed us….”You are late….but not TOO late….so welcome…and sit down….we are doing our introductions….no one else will be allowed to join….please lock the door behind you….”
Oh…this must be a “Cuddle Party”…….there are several folks that I do know around the circle…maybe three or four….but the rest are simply faces that I know from the conference…..
I sit down on the floor….Dr. Love and River flop on the bed….space is tight.
I introduce myself…and say that I had never been to a “Cuddle Party” before…..I was quickly corrected…..”This is NOT a Cuddle Party”….said the handsome man that was leading the group…..
Oh.
What kind of party was this??? Can anyone say “Play Party?” which is the more updated name for “Sex Party?”
Okay…..breathe……I could feel my heart start to beat a million miles an hour. This was a long, long way from Brooklyn…..
And then there was sharing about sexual boundaries…and STD’s….who had what…..
Handsome Leader Man was talking about this being “Ritual Space”….and how he would be holding the space for the group…and that even if he was getting a blow job and something was up….that we should get him….
HUH?
That was holding the space?
Not according to me….to me…”Holding The Space” meant that you were the one NOT playing….you were the one watching…supporting…listening….literally holding a safe place for others…not engaged in your own play……it’s like being the designated driver….you didn’t drink!
No….this was not a place for me…..I really didn’t know most of these people…..the space didn’t feel erotic….or like ritual space…..I was not in a place of practitioner…or client….I felt no purpose for being there….and I was tired. There was no juice for me….and all of a sudden I felt like a “square”. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just try something new? Explore a new edge? But my gut keep saying “No”.
So….that is what I shared with the group….mostly anyway….that this was a boundary for me…that I didn’t feel like I was in a place of holding space or being held….that it didn’t feel like ritual space for this body….and that I needed to leave….
There were some protests…I was told that I could just watch…etc…that I had missed most of the opening circle..etc….and I got that…I understood that I walked in late…the container may have been formed…and that was fine….and I was clear…But I was feeling outside of this container….and as dopey as I felt….as “old fashioned”…..I told everyone to have a wonderful time….and I stood up….and walked out.
Wow. This is what I tell my kids to do. And guess what? It isn’t easy walking out of a group…listening to your own boundaries…it is really hard. Even when you are in your forties! And we want kids to do this??? Even though walking out was the absolute right thing for me to have done…walking out brought up lots of stuff for me.
It was hard walking back-to my room alone…especially since it was such a juicy day…and amazing night….but I had to acknowledge that even though I felt like a big baby….I also felt complete…and that it was the right thing for me to do. An d that I was taking care of myself…it was enough for me….and right now….play parties are not my scene….especially with people that I do not know.
Yet…I woke up feeling weird about it all….I felt a bit like an uncool kid that wouldn’t smoke pot with the “In Crowd”. When I showed up to yoga in the morning a few of the participants were there….and I started out feeling separate and odd. I told myself to breathe…and just let it go….that no one cared that I left….that it was about me…not them…and they didn’t take it personally.
And then the oddest thing happend….various people came up to me…and told me how impressed they were that I had walked out. They felt that it was really amazing that I had such strong boundaries…and that I took care of myself….and didn’t worry about what other people thought….and that I was a wonderful role model…..
Okay.
That surprised me too.
And then Sweet Boy came over to me….
“Sasha….I was so impressed with your boundaries last night….that you left….I really liked what you said to the group….how you handle yourself…your sense of self…I would really like to Bottom for you…..I trust you….and I would really like to have that experience.”
I was speechless…..And he was so sweet….
“Honey…if you want to Bottom for me…sure…I will give you a session.”
Who knew I would become in demand as a Top? Who knew that saying “No” would be such a big deal?
On my refrigerator door is a sentence that I wrote down after a session with Hank a long time ago….
“Creating Boundaries and Staying Connected.”
This was something that I had been working on with Hank…..
I guess I did it.
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November 27th, 2007 at 12:03 pm
Sasha,
Thank you for sharing this experience so eloquently. This post is a great example of so many things for so many people, especially the trusting what your gut is telling you part and how it can be hard (even for us forty year-olds!) to say No, and the observation how flippantly we demand/expect our children and teens to say No like it’s no big deal and have that ability down pat… Perhaps, if adults challenged themselves more by attending events and activities that provided them with powerful opportunities to say Yes and No, we’d be in better positions to midwife our children into voicing their boundaries, needs, and wants powerfully.
And, I love how you taking care of yourself caused you to be recognized in such lovely ways… Yep, saying No is a VERY sexy thing. : ) So, thank you for being a great role model for how saying No can make others feel safe and for how leaving the group when you’re called to be elsewhere can actually foster intimacy.
Cuddly yours,
REiD Mihalko
Creator of Cuddle Party
www.cuddleparty.com
November 27th, 2007 at 4:20 pm
OHMYGOD, a bonerfide orgy and i didn’t even know about it!!!LOL!!! Well, that kinda sorta stands to reason, since I have been nicknamed the Tantric Nun.
That thought gives me a little inner giggle, since I once was one of the most sex curious kids around.
But when I became a sannyasin to Osho, I saw all the permutations of suck’ n fuck imagineable.and then, I got together with my sublime erotic counterpart, and the real sparks began to fly.The first thing that happened was that my thrid eye began to open, and I could see and sense eternity. What a wild ride that was….
Scenes from the akashic reords began to reveal themselves to me, and I would find myself in Druid rituals or at the crucifixtion, or some other place on the time space continuum that I had no prior frame of refernce for. Sometimes I would hover above my body and watch the viscera react to his penetration…Oh, that was mesmerizing, fun, and scientifically enetertaining at the same time.
I realized that all of these images were being generated by my own bodymind complex, and lest I get stuck in one of them, I might be acting out a past life scenario, this whole lifetime..so I became much more interested in what the implications were than how much or how often I wet the bed.
I also realized that while the orgy scene had served a great purpose, not unlike litters of baby animals stimulating one another to more life… it also was not a good place to get stuck.
And that the more my energy moved up the central channel to open to the higher chakras the more purposefully my own sexual energy would need to be directed.
Tantrically speaking, there is no right or wrong in this game…We are all divine creatures, seeking to acknowledge and explore our multiimensional diviinity.
Let the games reveal, what is most precious for us all to really know!!!
Love
Jivana