Wearing My Collar…
I am in the airplane…heading home…I have been gone for six days….I am wearing the leather collar that DK and I agreed would represent the bond between us…the collar looks a bit like a necklace…it is black leather and lays flat on my neck…with a simple silver buckle. It is not easily recognized as a collar…but it is my collar. And it is a way for me to feel his container around me between the distances of our lives.
I ran my finger over the silver buckle and closed my eyes….I can still feel the heat of his kisses…that hardness of his body pressed against mind….I am in a momentary place of sadness….it is about endings…partings….so much has happened….so many complex days of community…of fun…of the constant throb of erotic energy has not left my body for a week…and it all feels like a bowl of gumbo…..so many different flavors and textures…in one bowl…and I need to taste it all together….but I also need to pick out the shrimp…the chunks of meat…the rice…the spice….the okra…and taste all the parts individually….so over the next couple of days….I will do just that….and share it all with you….
So….where do I begin? It won’t be at the beginning…I am going to write about the six days…as it comes up for me…and in the end…you will have all the pieces of the gumbo soup….and like me you will be able to taste the parts….and the whole.
DK arrived at the end of the meeting…actually after the meeting was officially over….He came Monday during our lunch break from the wonderful workshop that Alex Jade was running on Power, Surrender and Spirituality….I was so nervous about his arrival..And the fact that I was going to be in ritual space with him…I had spent six days truly being in my own erotic energy….the people that I had been with had been so loving and welcoming of me…there were always hugs…and holding…we ran erotic energy through dance….and play….and now DK was there…and I no longer felt free to dance with the others in quite the same way….and that felt strangely comforting..and discomforting all at the same time…
When he showed up…I received a soft kiss…and holding….it felt good….we sat with the others while he ate his lunch during the break…and then we got his suitcase into our room….once we were alone…he truly welcomed me into his arms…I remember the first breath of him…it was like coming home….
For days during the workshop we had been talking about the feminine and masculine energy….and these energies were beautifully described by Alex Jade as a river (the feminine energy) and the river banks…the masculine energy…..
The river needs to flow freely….and is can be turbulent or calm….but it is safely held in the strong container of it’s river banks…yes…sometimes the river can overflow it’s banks…and flood…..but most of the time.. the river is held and contained by it’s bank.
DK is my River Bank….within his container….I am able to flow safely and with freedom…because I know that he will hold me…where ever I go….and when I entered his arms in our room…my river knew that it would flow freely once again….
We left the room to go join the second half of the workshop together…and I was not sure how to act with DK in public space…among our mutual friends….but he took the lead…and sat next to me…and took my hand and held it….I felt loved…and cared about…and that he was truly there with me finally….holding the space….and I felt my breath leave my body….and perhaps for the first time….I was truly relaxed.
One of the first exercises that we did together was a “spanking bee’….we were in a group of six…and three of us got spanked…and three of us spanked…and then were rotated…Alex came over to DK and I , and asked if DK was going to be alright receiving a spanking from me….she was totally supportive and understanding of our D/s relationship…DK said that it was fine…but I was feeling anxious about it…
The “spanking bee” began and I was the first one over DK’s knee. It felt so good to have his hands on me….again….it was like coming home…I remember a moment when I move to my knees…and he pushed me down…the play of that….feeling his strength…I loved it….and then it was over…and I had to move to the next lap….I didn’t want to …I wanted to leave with him…and continue what we had started…but instead took my slightly stinging bottom off his lap….and brought it to be spanked by the next person….I can’t remember my other spankings…I was still in DK’s hands…and I just remember not wanting other people to spank me…all of a sudden what was fun communal play….felt cheap and unwanted by me….and so many people think that spanking is simply pounding away on someones ass…it is not…when DK spanks me…it is love making….
Shortly…it was time for us to switch our roles and DK reached over to me…and said…”I just got a hit…there is no way that you are going to spank me…” I was so relieved…there was no way that I wanted to spank him…”I am so glad….I don’t want to either….” And so we let them know..and some changes were made….it was still strange seeing DK bottoming….and it was strange for me to be topping around him as I gave my spankees a ride across my knee….
Then it was time for us to have experiences in threes…were allowed to choose our experiences..something that we wanted more of…at this point I had hit an emotional wall….I had spent full days in community…and it was delicious….but now I wanted to be alone with DK…and instead I was partnered with two men….my body was going to be in serve within my boundaries for their experiences…and DK was in the room…I felt like I was cheating in some way on my man….and I felt acutely uncomfortable….when it was my turn….I decided to be The River…and have these two men be my banks….I put on a blind fold…and I asked them to keep the river safe as I flowed…and rolled throughout the room….it was actually fun…I was rolling and they were carrying me..and guiding me as I swooshed my way around the room…it was intensely physical and at times violent….
I was glad for the experience…but as soon as it was over….I could not wait to run out of there with DK….we head back to our room…and I put out some cheese and we opened some champagne…
It was so good to hear that DK was just as uncomfortable during our shared time in the workshop space as I was…he said that he looked up and saw me doing something or other..and thought to himself…”Oh…I don’t want to watch her do that…”
This was so affirming to me….because I didn’t want him to watch me being erotic with other men…or women…and the mutuality of that….felt so good to me
And skip ahead to near the end of our time together…we were sitting in a hot tub….once again…we had a plate of cheese and a bottle of red wine….and the time was intimate….soft….and loving. We were alone…there was no one else with us in the hot tub….I spoke to him of how I sometimes feel like I am holding space for our relationship even when we are not together….and that I often feel silly in that feeling….why am I doing that? DK never asked me to….and yet….I felt it. I felt very vulnerable sharing that with DK….
“It’s not silly….” he said to me….and he bend down and pulled me to him…and kissed me. “It’s not silly at all.”
I felt the breath leave my body….
“You value that?” I asked him? “You care that I do not want other men to touch me erotically….or top me?” I felt amazement that he felt a feeling of possession over me…that he cared….
“Yes…of-course I value that….of course I care….”
I felt such relief that he wanted from me what I wanted to give him…..that I was not alone in the relationship in that way….
“It’s hard for me to ask that of anyone” he said….”because I cannot be monogamous….because of what I do….and maybe…that is just an excuse….I don’t know….so I can’t request that of anyone else….but yes…of-course it means something to me…if you keep yourself for me….yes of-course I value that….”
When I got back to the room….I showed him a collar that I had bought…it was more like jewelry….the collar that DK had bought for me as a gift had the word “submissive” on it…and I could not wear it out easily…..
“Could we pretend that you bought me this collar? That this is from you? Because I can’t wear the other one out….it is kind of hard to explain to the kids….and sometimes….I want to feel you with me…when I am not with you….I want to feel our container….I want to feel your collar….and all that it means to me…..”
“Yes….of course we can pretend that this is the one”….. And DK took the collar and put it around my neck….and that is how I slept…..the last night we were together….with DK’s collar around my neck.
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