the Renegade Goddess

So….DK wrote me a very loving letter yesterday……he told me that he really can’t help me with my struggle in how best to communicate my desires and requests to him….as it is a “Bottom thing”….and he is a Top…..he thought that perhaps I should speak with other fully surrendered Bottoms that negotiate communication issues with ease….but that he would hold the space for me to find my way….and that his words were not meant as his black paddle….that he really wanted me to know that he was not angry.

But it was clear to me that my own muddiness of embedded requests in statements of desires is the problem…and comes off like manipulation. The practice of distinction is very important…and it is something that I am going to be aware of. It requires honesty. If I want to be alone with DK….I need to tell him….and then surrender it….instead of hinting…or manipulating…..trying to make him think that it is his idea….

I am becoming clear on how I hide my feelings in my words…but then they really aren’t hidden at all….they can be felt….and then the communication comes out twisted.

DK asked me to relax….”I guess you’re having a lot of anxiety around this since it is in
fact an issue for you, so much that you feel it to the core of your bones.  Not sure how to make it easier for you.  Just know that I’m not angry.  I figure that I just need to keep holding the space while you do your dance, and eventually, you’ll discover the steps that
work.  So don’t fret too much.  Just put on some pretty dancing shoes, and a tutu.  And when you stub your toe, I’ll kiss it.  Put on a bandage and keep dancing”.

His note hit just the right cord with me….

And I could feel my energy shift…..and I could feel my breath leave my body….was I holding it?

I started to think sexy thoughts….that was more about the place where there were no words….and I was no longer concerned about the beginnings of seeing DK again…..instead….I began to envision the juiciness of it…..of going into his arms….of feeling him….of his soft deep kisses….of his beautiful blue eyes holding the space for mine…..the scent of him……the anticipation of waiting to be alone with him…..but first entering another type of ritual space with him…..community ritual space…..and how wonderful that would be for us…..to experience this together….

I can feel my body ache in anticipation even now…..heightened by a comment that DK made….”Did you get us a thunderproof room!!?! Oh…..my stomach contracts simply at his words….the anticipation of the thunder that his man can create…..

I can picture us in our embraces….how he steps into my space….and asks me to surrender to him…..I can almost feel his hands….as he gently tosses me around….like his little ball…..letting my body go where he guides me…..his hand in the small of my back…..his mouth crashing down on…..and then roaming the landscape of my body…..the feeling of my collar as he places it around my neck……and the cuffs……the sweet seduction of the beginning……and then……DK will blend into Him…..and Him into DK…….and soon…..the neighbors will only hear my cries of passion…….

I am not a natural bottom in many ways.  Life taught me to be a dominant.  I had to be from a very young age in order to create a life around me that felt safe. If I didn’t create it….it often didn’t happen.  I couldn’t trust the floor underneath me unless I hammered in the nails.  This was not some made up fantasy….this was my up bringing. It was…what was so.

I had to be a “go getter” in order to survive. In many ways….even though I had an “in tact” family….there were so many issues growing up with my Mom and Dad….mostly financial in nature…I was often left to raise myself.

I didn’t actually always want to be dominant….in fact…..what I really wanted most of my life was to be taken care of….to feel safe and loved….watched over….to be taken on a journey….to be able to trust the ground underneath me….even if I was not the one to hammer in the nails. I wanted to give up the responsibility of running the show. I wanted to serve and to please….and that eventually became expressed in my big goddess energy.

I thought that I married a dominant male…..in reality….in many ways Devon is a Bottom.  He has moments of touching his dominant masculine energy…..but at this core he is submissive. I understand that now…..for a long time I didn’t.

I am a leader in my field….fighting for the rights of others….a well known advocate…….hardly “bottom space”.

I think about living full time in a Dom/Sub household….what it would be like to live with and serve a dominant male all the time….just the thought of that makes my heart go pitter -patter…..I know that it is one thing to put on a collar once in a while….and another thing…to be able to take it on and off……yet….I crave the collar.

I don’t live with DK.  He does not belong to me. He never will. I am sure that I think way more about our relationship…and him…. than he thinks about me….or the “us” of me and him.

When I look at him…and what role he holds in my life….it is in many ways as my transitional top/lover. He is holding the space that one day Devon might step into….or another man may walk into. I get to practice with him….and I am learning about the dynamics of a top/bottom relationship with him. But all of my feelings are real.

It is a difficult container for me sometimes….and yet it is a container that I am not ready to give up yet. And I want to please this man….just as if he did belong to me. And he can be hard on me….just as he can be loving…..

He holds the bar high…..and I know that I often annoy him.  With DK….even when I am not with him….the collar is around my neck….and right now it feels tight.

I took the plunge….and wrote to him…..about my anxiety with seeing him again….I shared with him my difficulty expressing my desires with him…..or requests.

I wrote that letter many times before I sent it.

DK responded……he was warm…..he thanked me for sharing my feelings….but he also pointed out places where I go into being a pushy bottom. The thwack of his black paddle hit me squarely across my ass….several times.

I hate that.

I felt like a puppy having her nose put in her own puddle. And yes….the puddle was mine….how did I miss that? I felt my cheeks burn with embarrassment. What is wrong with me that this is so difficult for me to really live….which is my intention in this relationship with him.

Giving up control is a practice…..it is like learning to state your desires…..but making it pure….not an request hidden in a statement of desire.  And this is all new to me……I was never in a relationship  like this…..this is not a single play session….this is something more than that….and there are different expectations. And I don’t always realize that I am trying to top from the bottom…..I am like a puppy sometimes….I need to be stopped and shown my puddle. I don’t like it. I don’t like it all. I don’t like it when I make a mess….it makes me feel like my heart is not where it belongs….and that is important to me…

I just finished acknowledging my puddles with DK. And it is long distance….it is a full week until I see him. I started the conversation with him….because I was feeling anxious…and because I wanted better communication with him…..well….the result is not exactly what I expected….yet it is exactly what I expected.

My stomach feels a bit knotted up.

I wish that I could curl up in his arms….as I often do after a very hard spanking. I can almost feel my bottom tingling…..but his hands are not here to softly rub the flesh as he often does after he has spanked me. I am going to have to wait for that….and I am sure that the spanking will be hard…as his hands will be soft afterwards….

Instead….right now….my virtual collar feels tight around my neck. I consider what it is to be a fully surrendered bottom……and what it is….to be HIS fully surrendered bottom in the container that I share with him. 

This is a practice. Submission is a practice of the heart….

I feel mine opening more and more…..

So…..my mind is starting to fill with….what shall I pack for my trip! And since I will be participating in Power, Surrender and Intimacy (PSI) while I am away…..I am thinking about what I should bring!

And I would love to not check my bags…..

But….I can put a flogger, pin wheel,  paddle in carry on luggage? I am serious! Does any one have experience with this? Would my toys be considered weapons?

I have traveled with my complete toy bag before…but I have always checked it!!!

Any words of wisdom out there??

We didn’t have a lot of time….Hank and I spent a good part of our time talking….I needed to talk….and he was actively listening…offering insights into my experiences…emotions.

I was in a calm space…even though so much of what Hank and I were talking about makes me very uncomfortable.  I love how he speaks so many truths that I find painful to articulate…and lays it right out there for me to look at.

Big Breath.

I love our custom that developed after many months of working with Hank…of sitting on the futons…our bodies close to each other….often touching. I love that our toes can touch….or that I can reach out and place a hand on his knee. I appreciate the intimacy of that.

And then we shifted….to have a little table time.

It continues to amaze me how comfortable I have become in my own skin. How I peel off my pants…my shirt….my bra and panties….. as Hank goes to get me water….”Naked Water Goddess” he jokes tenderly while I drink…..I smile…..my own brazenness amazes me….it was not long ago….that I remember standing naked in front of Hank with my cheeks burning with embarrassment….as he encouraged me to dance….now if he played music….I would dance before him…and it would not bother me at all if he was wearing his red shirt.

I climb onto the table….on my belly….Hank and I are very traditional today…..I put my face in the cradle…and release my breath as his hands work out all the sore knots in my neck…..and my back……his hands feel good in my sore knotted places.

Hank asks me to breath into his fingers….soon I am somewhere else….I love his breath on my body…..I love how he shifts from working my muscles..to working my soul……his kisses……the soft strokes…..I love how my body responds to him….I love that there is more than one man on this earth that can make my body come alive….there is safety in that knowledge…..There is freedom in that knowledge….

I need this…..my soul needs this…my body needs this…it is like oxygen to my spirit…..I am blessing Hank while  my breath quickens….I am so damn easy…..I can feel my hips open….my bottom rising as he begins to softly spank me…..his fingers reaching under me….and finding my yoni……oh…..he has gotten so good at touching me…..I love his happiness in my pleasure…..I can feel his smiles….his soft chuckles as I groan with pleasure….endless pleasure……I love it when his fingers slide over my clit while I am on my stomach…..it makes me insane with pleasure…..I am lost in my head….I recognize my own erotic trance of color…..I am like an astronaut floating in space…..so many stars surround me…so many colors…..I am on the edge of climax……and yet….I find that this is a place that I want to stay in….I do not want to go over that cliff….instead I want Hank to hold me…it was time to state my desire…..it would be so easy…..all I had to do is open my mouth….I wanted to look into his eyes…I wanted to be with him…..I shifted to my knees….I was facing him….I supported his hand still on my yoni…..in my yoni…..I lay my hand over his…almost stilling his touch…..it is an intimate act…..as my hand embraces his hand….that is embracing me.

What is there for me when I climb to my knees on the massage table? I remember a time when I could not get to my knees….I would be too visible in that position….How could I let anyone really see me…all my parts….like that? That position is too much like a celebration of one’s body….you really have to feel good about your body to show yourself like that….and I could never do it comfortably. Yet….now…with Hank….my spirit calls me to my knees….in celebration of itself…..my body is happy to be witnessed….or not.

As I rise to my knees…it is as if I have been  called to dance in my own pleasure….in the pleasure of my being….of my soul….of the Goddess deep within me…and it just rises up inside of me….

I opened my eyes with a soft gaze….and my eyes are met with his….
“Hello there”….Hank said…..

“Hello there….” I purred backed at him…..my hand on his heart…my other hand on the hand that was holding my yoni…..I just wanted to stay there…..like that…..forever….

Hank held me….as I melted into him…..like a goddess baby……my head resting on his chest…my heart so open….my energetic core literally pouring out into his hands….I was thinking….”how precious is this man to me???” and Hank said “what??” ……..I guess that I was thinking loudly…..I have to watch that…..

“I said….that you are so precious to me….that I love our “us”……and then Hank gave me back the words that I had written to DK…and got no answer to….”the matrix of our “us”….of our relationship” he said………

“Yes” I responded…”it is so precious to me…..” and Hank responded how he loved holding me just like this….and we both breathed it in……

When I opened my email this morning….my message from The Universe….had this to say to me….

“A main “Criteria of Consciousness” for the human experience, Sasha, is never having all you want. For as one dream comes true, another swiftly takes its place. Not having all you want is one of life’s constants.

And learning to be happy while not yet having all you want (which, as you can see, is constant), is the first “Criteria of Joy.” Nail it, and for the rest of your life people will be asking what it is about you.

Desire, Sasha, is a beautiful thing”.
Wow. I love it when “The Universe” knows exactly what I am working on at the moment!!!

Yesterday was my day to see Hank. It was such a relief knowing that I would have my time with him….the time feeds me….nourishes my soul….calms my spirit….expands my heart….often teaches me…and challenges me to go deeper…..plus my time with Hank can also light my inner fire.

Not a bad way to spend three hours.

Lately, Hank has been talking with me about speaking my desires….I know that I have touched on this topic before after my last session with Hank….and I know….this sounds like simple stuff…..but it is not.  At least…not for me. Hank called it advanced work…and that is how it occurs for me. I am really struggling with this….especially around my desires with DK. And learning to speak your desires…does not mean getting them fulfilled…and that is a part of this practice.

The basics of this practice is to get in touch with your desires…and state them.  Such as “I really want to feel DK possess me when I see him again”….”I really want to feel special to him.” or actually stating my desires to DK (and yes..that scares me and makes me feel vulnerable).  But that would look something like this….

“DK…when I see you again….I really want to feel you claim me….no matter where we are.” Now…that is NOT a request….it is a statement of desire.

A request would sound like…”DK, when you see me….even if we are in public…will you grab me and throw me over your shoulder?” “DK…will you  kiss me and hug me when I see you next week.” That is a request….

The difference is that in stating ones desire…the “other” does not have to do anything about your desire. You are simply sharing intimacy and connection…and offering your partner good information…but it is YOUR desire….you own it….and the person that you are sharing it with does not have to do anything with it…and you are not left hanging.

With a request…you are expecting a response. It requires action on behalf of the other.

To me…this is tricky business. It is full of subtlety. Can expressing my desire…hide a request? Am I my own trickster? Can I think that I am simply expressing desire…when I am instead hiding my requests? You have to be really clear about your own intentions….and not sloppy with your energy. It is very grounding…and clear…..and powerful…but to me…it still feels hard…and tricky.

I think that there is a part of me…that worries even if I am clear and grounded in my statements of desire…that my statement of desire will be taken as a request….and perhaps that is because I am not grounded enough yet….not practiced enough….or there is the fear that the listener will not hear/understand the distinction between a statement of desire and a request.

I am able to practice this freely with Hank. I think that this is because I know that he understands the exercise. And I feel safe. I am not sure if I feel quite so safe with DK.  My relationship with DK…requires so much more work….because it is not “come as you are”….as it is with Hank….with DK….there are roles. There is a power exchange….

“I love thinking about getting spanked by DK”.   Expression of desire.

“DK…will you spank me?”  Expression of request.

Now…what if the listener does not know the differences between a request and an expression of desire….then what? What if the listener does not welcome expressions of desire? Hank might say…that this does not matter.  That the expression of the desire is not about the listener! It is suppose to be about the person expressing!

I left Hank’s today feeling that the expression of desire is so powerful and important to us as an individual…so powerful….that it is an important exercise for us as human beings….and I committed to practicing ….and understanding it. And that is why I am talking about it here….and sharing the lessons….try it on….experience how stating desires feels for you. Practice with yourself or with a partner.

And I acknowledge that these expressions make me feel vulnerable. I can do them with Hank. I can do most everything with Hank. I just feel so cared for with him. So accepted. There aren’t many rules.  Doing it else where scares me….so if you feel anxious about this practice….you are not alone.

Yes…I read blogs too….and even though I have a blog roll…..there are new ones too….so let me fill you in….and update this….and turn you on to some wonderful voices…..

I have been reading Ex Courtesan In Transition Again….and once in a while I even hear from Gillette…and when I do….it makes me very happy….she always has something wonderful to say to me…..and I always check in on Susan’s Merit’s blog…both for her own voice….and shared experiences..but also because she is such an avid blog reader…that she always has a new blog to turn me onto! Just today I found Compartments the blog of an escort through her site….fascinating!

And I love My Bottom Smarts…..I enjoy Bonnie….her stories…and just like Bonnie…..I love spanking! And I have to admit….I do every once in a while check out The Spanking Blog….. yes….this is not high brow stuff!!! But….neither is Dots…..and every once in a while….I like to eat them!!!!! The Spanking Blog is full of naughty pictures…stories…all kinds of things….you never know what you are going to find…..and it is always fun.

And then there is Lolita’s Predictions and Predilections….this girl knows how to how fun! And her blog is not only full of her own exploits…and points of view…it is also a great resource to those of us that want to know what is going on in the leather community! And of course - Viv’s Sex Carnival. Viv’s site is full of everything! She doesn’t blog her life….she is more of a compiler of everything sex! The site is fun….and constantly changing! If you want to know what is going on…..check out Viv’s site!

So….these are just a few of the places that I pop in on…..give a look…..maybe you will find a few among my picks that you will enjoy too!!!!

I always feel a little nervous when I am going to see DK again.

It is the beginnings…the first greetings….the awkwardness of that.

 And this time it is going to occur with a lot of distractions.

He is also going to be seeing old friends…other people that he knows…and is really looking forward to seeing…and he very well may be seeing us and greeting us all together….

And then we will be going right into ritual space with this workshop….and I may not even be working with him….but he will be close by…..and then there is going to be a possible dinner with mutual friends….and I feel anxiety around connecting with him….wanting attention from him….and perhaps not getting it….or knowing how to behave.

We once had a conversation about our public relationship…how we behaved around friends….public displays of affection….that kind of thing…and he told me that he was comfortable with us doing that….yet when I think of greeting him publicly in-front of shared community….I wonder if I will be kissed by him…..and  held by him…or if it will be a peck….and a pat on the back! I am longing to feel him claim me….And as usual…..my desires….and my insecurities….and knowledge of the etiquette of our relationship confuse me…and make me nervous.

So…I can speak my desires…..without them being a request….and hope that even in those few moments of public  greetings and connection….that DK….steps up and surrounds me with his energy….and presence….re-establishs our dynamic…in those first few moments of holding…and greeting…..that I will be able to feel that is he there for me….in the connection of our limited time together….and that I don’t feel longing….because there is nothing to long for….

So…I am still here.

And some clarification about yesterday’s post…some of you took me literally….the bad “Tops” I was talking about were not play partners…or potential play partners…I was using “Tops” as a metaphor for other people in my life who I actually have to work with!

My professional life has been exhausting….and I am raw from it….and it has been a time of being on the “hot seat”…..in a very public way.  And I have been dealing with a lot of very dominant energies…and I was looking at how I could apply my experience in bd/sm play in other areas of my life…such as dealing with these energetically dominant people in my professional life…and apply the lessons that I have learned in my personal life to these situations that I now find myself in…..

So……don’t worry….I will not allow someone that I do not trust physically tie me up…and I will also not surrender professionally to these types of dominants as well. I guess we would have to rename them to more accurately describe them…let’s go with “bullies”!!!!

Yesterday was a hard day…and I danced with a lot of old demons….and I felt raw by the close of the day…..I had reached out to Hank….thought maybe a session….but he was booked….and it was a real struggle around the food when I finally landed home.

Actually it was painful. I just wanted to use my drug of choice….food. Just the way a junkie does….I wanted to shoot up bad bakery cookies…so that I could zone out….for just a little while….and it was hard to get through those feelings.  Instead…I ate too much of what I am allowed to eat…..is that like a heroin junkie being given methadone? The junkie is still using…but it is a safer choice? UGH.

I am holding onto my escape right now….next week…..I need a vacation….and this will be one…..I cannot wait until the conference the Association of Sexual Energy Professionals…I am looking forward to seeing so many friends….that I can cuddle up….and just be me with….all of me….not just a part of me….I am looking  forward to learning….to playing….to not dealing hopefully with too much static from my daily life….I am going to make it a retreat. I am going to sign out for six days. The world will go on…and I will re enter it a stronger….healthier…refreshed woman…..

I am so excited about my session with this well known female dominant teacher/coach….I do not like to talk about people by their true names in my blog if I do sessions with them…. for their privacy issues….so let’s call her….”Max”. I have wanted to do a session with her since I met her….which is kind of interesting for me to notice.

I have taken workshops with her…..actually three of them……but I have never been alone with her to do any one on one work…she has a very masculine energy….and holds a container that just fascinates me.  She once helped the participates of the Power, Surrender and Intimacy workshop that I was taking do breast bondage on me. It was an incredible experience that I have not experienced since. I really want more of that….and I want to work with her on how I can deepen my surrender….as a bottom….without being complacent….which is boring for everyone…so how I am able to express my surrender….and pleasure…..without being a dish rag! How do I play back  more…without controlling the play? 

So….I leave for AZ next Thursday….and I see her on Friday evening…..so cool….so yummy….I love anticipation…..and then there is all the unknown of the conference…seeing my old friends…meeting new ones…..I am so excited about meeting Ray Stubbs…and the workshop that I will be taking with Dr. Betty Dodson.  And I am excited about seeing DK…

He is coming on the post conference day…we will be taking a Power, Surrender and Intimacy hands on workshop together….that should be really interesting…and yes….I am hungry for being alone with him too….which will follow the workshop…..

Yes…I just needs to move through this…..today….the next few days….I am sure that I can find joy in this time….the time of now…..I just have to open to it…..and I know that there is joy coming…..in fact….it is right around the bend!!!!

Sometimes we need to access courage in our lives. Really find that part of ourselves that is brave…and willing to go forth into the places that scare us.

And do we find that courage in powering through? By lifting our chin….squaring our shoulders…and just moving into and through the places,  situations and people that are offering challenges?

Or….is real courage found in slowing it all down. Feeling all of it. Being present to the uncomfortable feelings in our body? Really tasting them..and experiencing them…..listening to them…..and opening to them? Are we really the most brave when we leave our emotional armour in the closet….and walk slowly…through the fire….so that we can feel it’s flames?

I am in a time in my life where I have choices to make.  I can power through the storms in my life….ignoring….pretending not care…..dismissing the high winds….or I can open to them in a entirely new way.

What lessons have I learned in my sexual  play? What joy have I felt when I allowed myself to be completely vulnerable to what scared me? So many openings have occured for me in that place.

I have learned how it feels to resist against the ropes….and I have learned how to let go into the container…and feel my body move gently in my Master’s hands….simply going where he brought me….no resistance….completely naked…..totally open.

When I have felt the fear of his paddle….I have bent deeper and raised my bottom higher…welcoming all of him to me…..no resistance….Even with him…I have had to access courage….and trust….and in that surrender…in my vulnerability….I have found joy….peace…pleasure….

I need to find my own personal courage right now….I am playing with people who are acting like “Tops” without the skill. It does not feel safe to surrender to them. They wield a emotional black paddle that just keeps coming….and there are no soft gentle pats in between swats…there are no soft kisses….there is only anger…and control in  their energy….what lesson is there in this with for me? Do I fight these aggressive “Tops” and resist them? Or do I apply the lessons of yielding…..

I know that this is about my own personal courage….my own ability to access all that I have learned over these past few years…and apply it in my life.  I am in a break down….now it is time to break through….I am just not sure how to do that…except to show up….gentle my spirit…and summon my courage.

Please send me love.

RG

Do you ever “watch” yourself as you do things? Sometimes I do. And sometimes I even write about myself and my experiences while I am having them….in my head…like some weird outer body narrator. I try to actually stop that when I catch myself doing this…I wonder if it is a protective mechanism from being fully, fully present to the moment….or perhaps it is about being EVEN more conscious to the moment…I don’t know.

But sometimes I find it distracting to my experience….I went in and out of that place yesterday with Hank….Processing…Writing…Witnessing and Talking to myself as I moved through so many deep, rich moments.  It was almost as though I was my own Sacred Intimate…holding space for myself WITH Hank…..

I had flown into Hank’s apartment like a freight train…all wound up…..spinning and going about a hundred miles an hour……My life continues to be like some very bad over done…over written drama….”Oh…let’s add this into the scene..and see what happens to our heroine!!!” “Na….writing that in would be too much! No one would believe THAT too….but okay…I am willing to try it! Let’s see what happens!” Only it’s not some bad, over done piece of theatre….it has really been my life.

I mean…after a while…I don’t even want to listen to me….and all I had been doing since I had seen Hank last… was talk….and process…..and work through all the various stresses on my plate. My body was screaming to be touched….I wanted breath…..I want sensation….I wanted to get out of my damn head….

I had purposely put on a matching black bra and thong set….yes….from my Lyon Lingerie Collection courtesy of Master Jacques….it has rhinestones…and lace….and is so lovely…..the bra simply exists to display my breasts….nothing more. I threw my black stockings into my toy bag and black high heels with matching rhinestones to wear for Hank….why not? It was fun last week….it is so good to switch things up….try on new things…and I get to do that with Hank if I want to….so why not? It makes ME feel good…it is fun for me…..it is play! And I needed some play! Even if in the moment it felt forced to me…I knew that later…once I was with Hank…I would be glad that I had made the effort for myself.

So…this force of nature….this freight train….arrives at Hank’s…I put down my bags and belly up into his arms. I swear…if I could have climbed into his underwear to get as close as I could to him…I would have.

I requested that I just down load to him my week…and not process too much of it…I just wanted to share with him what had been happening…..so he understood where I was….but I wanted to spend most of my time physically being touched…I knew in my heart that I needed that to get through this week.

“Okay….” Hank said. “Ten minutes…go for it” He offered for us to go to the futon…or sit…but I just want to stand in his arms. I wanted the ground under my feet…and I wanted to talk facing him…close to him….and I wanted to be held while I did this. I wanted to feel our bellies breathe into each other. And by standing with his arms around me…he was providing a physical feeling of containment for my energies that felt a little sloppy…a little over flowing…

So…just like that…standing in Hank’s arms…I began to go through the drama in my life…each part….

As I got to a particularly scary and painful part…Hank stopped me…..”Slow down, Sasha…Slow down. FEEL it. You are rushing the emotion…..can you feel it rise up?”

I stopped….I rested my head in the corner of his neck….I breathed. I thought of Chrys..one of my teachers in the Sexological Body Work Class….and now a friend.

I thought of her quite a bit during that session with Hank…I encouraged myself to open to anal breathing as she had taught me…it is a breath that is so deep and relaxed that as you exhale you can feel your asshole relax and open….and I allowed myself  to take several deep anal breaths….

It calmed me…but breath also allows you to feel more fully. And I was not at Hank’s not to feel….I showed up to really, really, really feel it all. I was safe there….I could welcome all of my feelings….I was in Hank’s arms….and I felt protected.

“That’s right…feel it all” Hank softly encouraged…as he often does….How often had he said those words to me? “That’s right…feel it all”…..”Daddy has you…..your Kinky Gay Daddy….has you Baby….” I looked up and smiled into his eyes at his words…Yes…my Kinky Gay Daddy…..

I slowed it down…I opened my breath….I told my story….I felt it all….I had wanted Hank to undress me….but all of a sudden I wanted to unveil myself….I took off my shirt…and revealed my special black rhinestone bra that was really just a French platter for my breasts…it was the opposite of containment….I slipped off my pants revealing my matching thong….

And I stood before Hank just like that….in my bra and panties…my stockings and high heels….I wanted to be seen….I had spent so much of my life hiding my physical body on one level or another….this was the year for being seen….in all my perfection and imperfections….

I looked into Hank’s eyes….I allowed his eyes to come inside mine….there were no veils….I had no curtains up. I stood naked in my vulnerability…and it occurred to me that I could not remember allowing anyone….ever…..to see me so purely.  Yet….his man….my Kinky Gay Daddy….as he named himself in a moment of glibness….held this space for me. This very pure space….where I felt completely free to be seen…..where I could be my little girl vulnerable self….my over done…stressed out executive self….my often struggling married self…my big goddess sexual self…..my “please teach it all to me” student self….I could show and share with Hank all of me…and he never dropped his arms…or his gaze. It was all seen and loved. What peace that is….and I watched myself being held in his arms…I watched myself being held in his gaze….I watched myself in my very soft and open place….like a clam that has been opened….on the half shell…the belly of the flesh it was just right there….quivering and defenseless…I wondered what my own face looked like in that moment….had I ever seen my own face like that? So open? So vulnerable? No….I don’t think so…except in the reflection in Hank’s eyes.

Yet I wasn’t scared….I didn’t feel like I was going to be eaten up…like someone was going to throw cocktail sauce on me and let me slide down their throat in one swallow.

Instead it was just fine for the shell to open….and be witnessed and seen….the soft belly of my soul was safe…..and my breath was flowing…Hank must of held me standing for close to an hour….in various stages of emotion…He kissed my hair….he allowed me to curl into his body…..we breathed together….belly to belly for a long time….so much breath….and soon there was a shift in me…my emotional self had calmed……my erotic self was surfacing…..we began to talk about desire…the difference between stating ones’ desire…and requesting. How they are two different things…and how stating one’s desires….did not require your partner to do anything but witness your desire…he didn’t require them to fulfil it. It was an interesting distinction.  And this was turning into a session of stating desire….and feeling my spirit.

My favorite way to start my physical sessions with Hank is grounded on the floor….bent over the massage table…with my bottom exposed…and my belly aganist the table….it provides me with a feeling of surrender, submission…and vulnerability in just the position….it also exposes some of my favorite pleasure centers…..and offers them up to my partner.

And so….after Hank admired and played with my breasts on a French platter….he lead me to bend over the table….I was so happy….I stretched out my arms….I wiggled my bottom….and I began to receive his hands….his mouth…..his breath….Hank put his arm through my legs…..and held me like that in my core….through my first chakra….Oh…it felt so good…..some place beyond good….

I began to state some desires….”I want to feel your furry stomach aganist my skin”…..is one that I remember…..I could feel Hank gently and firmly spanking my bottom….arousing my vulva…..I lifted my legs….and wrapped them around him……as if we were playing wheel barrow….I was in a place of movement and surrender…..Hank gradually removed my clothing…..a high heel was removed….and then I was gently spanked with it…..hmmmm…..that was a new feeling….the sharp distinct feeling of a sole of my high heel…. smacking my ass…..there was something incredibly erotic about that…..his hands deep in my vulva…..his breath on my rose bud…..I was sighing…and moaning…the energy was flowing…..I felt gloves play on my back…..gloves??

Oh……Hank was going to do some anal play…..I felt unprepared for that…..but I opened my breath and let go of my inhibitions….as I felt Hank’s fingers slipped into my bottom…..lots of breath…..lots of sensation….fingers fucking my ass…..my vagina….breath……spanks…..mouth….tongue….teeth…so many flavors were being offered to my body……was I screaming? I don’t know…..but I was breathing….moving the energy through my body like a trooper….Chrys would be so proud I thought….it is one thing to teach clients how to use breath….to open and feel….to coach it….it is quite another to watch your own body do it naturally….because you have practiced it so much…..I had a moment of being proud of myself for breathing!!! For moving energy….for my practiced sexual self…..spirit was moving through me…..so many sensations….one black stocking on….one off……Hank undoing my bra……the thong being removed…when did I become completely naked except for one black stocking?

I was a pure pleasure cell…..I was wondering all over that table….dancing with Hank….He would lift a leg….kiss the sole of my feet…..move me around..and my body went where he wanted it to go…..I was in complete surrender to him….how did this happen? This shift in our relationship? When did touch with him become so erotically charged for me? I do not remember….but in his own way…..he got me to surrender so deeply to him…that I was responsive putty….. I turned onto my back….and I could feel rope tie my wrists…and secure me to the table….”This is to protect you…and me….” Ah huh…..yes….because I was feeling like eating him up at the moment…..I wanted to kiss his chest…..the way I do with DK. I wanted to take his cock in my mouth…..and give him pleasure….yes…tie me up…..we will both be safer that way I thought……I named some desires…..I don’t remember what they were now….they were spirit desires that come and go with passion….and erotic energy…..I felt my ankles be secured…well….may one was tied…..but they were both cuffed……it felt like Hank’s tongue was between my legs….but I knew that wasn’t right…..that he was not kissing me there….it simply fingers….but it felt like his was kissing me….it was so delicious…..so many kisses…..

I had requested clips…..deep sensation….and I could hear him opening the bag….and then Hank put a clip on each breast….0n my nipples….AH AH AH……the sensation was so delicious…..I love these clips….they are black plastic….not the fancier silver chain clips that you can buy…these came in a plastic bag from Mr. S Leather in San Francisco…and the sensations from them are simply perfect for my body…..

I could feel him place four on my outer labia…..I was in heaven…..and then there was more spanks as I was shifted on my side…..they felt so good…all of the sensation was delicious…..Hank’s fingers never lift my vulva for long….and I was writhing on the table…I was shame less….I was pure erotic spirit….I was full of charging breath…..I think that I requested my vibrator…..there was clips….and fingers…and buzz…..and I was holding onto the ropes…holding my face…..I was pure pleasure……so many orgasms without climax….I was a rolling field of pleasure…..mountains of sensation…..”oh God….oh God…..Oh GOD!!!”

And I heard Hank say it back to me….”Oh God….Oh God….Oh God….” praying with me…inviting spirit…..this was endless….this place…..I wanted to climax…..please…..let me climax…..I don’t always need that…but today I did……”Please give me my hands…..I want my freedom!!”…..”Of course you do…..” Hank said.

I wanted to control the vibrator…to give the climax to myself….but Hank wasn’t having it……I moved into the vibrator…..I danced with it….the clips were still on my body…..and he began to remove them…..one by one….OH….OH…..OH……the sensations!!!!

I grabbed the rope….I arched…..I felt the explosion of it all as I climaxed so deeply that I thought that I would die right there….and then there was the after shocks….and kisses from Hank on my body…..I felt emotion run through me….like I had done a big draw….I told myself to feel it all…that it was okay……I moved into child’s pose…..as Hank released me…..and I allowed my breath to move the emotional waves through my body….they didn’t scare me….I didn’t shut them down….I just let them run through me…..and it was familiar and felt healing….and I knew that this was a year that I not only took back the ownership of my vulva….but it was a year that I had learned how to support my own healing…..

I wanted to be held….to move to the futon…..to be in Hank’s arms…..and so we did …….slowly……I didn’t cover up…..I went naked with him……and layed in his arms….I think I might have given him one playful nibble…..as I sank into his body…

Peace…..I was filled with peace and calm….I was so complete……I looked into Hank’s eyes…how can I express the gratitude that I feel for this man? There is a card that I have seen….it simply says….”Thank you for Being”.

“Sasha…I think I just seen a new you….I am looking at you right now…and you look like a Cherub to me….”

Of course I do. I had just visited heaven.

Yes…that would sum it all up quite beautifully.