the Renegade Goddess

DK has been gone now for a week or so…and I am still in a place of calm and peace. The familiar heart wrenching yearning….the unending hunger for something unknown…..feelings that have been an integral part of my existence for so long…like my breath…or my big round ass….are gone from my body….as though they have been exorcised from me like some demon. 

In its place is this sense of wholeness….and of something completed in my soul…in my body. I am stunned by it. So many times during my shared moments with DK….and now after….I find myself saying to myself…”So this  is how that feels….”  And I find myself in a place of wonder….this went far beyond the physical for me…even as incredible as the physical was….this went beyond the trappings….his black leather chaps….my black silk stockings…his custom made paddle….my collar.

This went beyond our titles….the words that we use to describe our relationship….Top and Bottom….D/s….Practitioner and Client (none of which I like…none of which I feel totally comfortable with).

Somewhere…beyond all of that…I finally found a level of self acceptance, self responsibility….and love that I could never have imagined. Somehow…during my time with DK…I found an intimacy with my own self….my own soul…that was new and beautiful. In these moments..I almost felt like a parishioner at the alter with my priest….with us both locked in prayer….touching the divine.

Sometimes I wonder what it is really like for DK.  Can he touch the divine through me as I can touch it through him? Or is this still….some kind of weird altered “one way touch” that I simply can’t wrap my head around.

The fears that I had…that I would be in some kind of confused romantic misfired state with his leaving….are long gone from my psyche….as those feelings never really materialized for me.  Sure I played with some emotions…but they were fleeting….like a summer storm that blows through a picnic….and then all you have to do is dry the benches with a towel….and continue your lunch.

What I do feel is a tremendous sense of gratitude and a gentle love for DK.

I am also aware of an excitement about going deeper with him. Will this be continuing the journey or starting a new one? This is what I am unsure about….because right now I am sitting on top of a mountain that took months to climb and took a shear determination and devotion to self discovery that even I didn’t know that I had the courage to see through.

There was so much joy….fun….excitement and pain on this trip up the mountain. And I made so many incredible friends along the way….some I have met…and some I just know through the internet ether.

There were times that I just wanted to stop because of old demons who would come and visit…but my guides and supporters loved me on….and here I sit….so full of peace and contentment. I still feel a bit like that same naughty cat….only with a belly filled with milk. I am purring and looking out on the view….I do not feel like I am resting in order to get ready to climb the next mountain…no… I don’t have that feeling….I am content right now…simply to lick my fur….and savor my journey….savor my arrival.

I also feel ready now for whatever awaits me.

During my time with DK…I opened up completely to the joy of my body…the richness of my own soul….the happiness and gratefulness that I feel for my life….and I let go of this old, tired part of me…that was filled with the need to control….because if I didn’t…no one would truly love me. No one would really care enough about me to cook dinner….I needed to be the one to cook….I needed to throw the party….no one would throw it for me. Somehow…through my time with DK…and some explorations with Hank…I finally got it….that I was worth it all….and plenty good enough…as is.

First I had to really accept my own self worth. And once I was able to wrap my own heart around my own self…I needed to really learn trust.  But the work had to start with me loving myself first…then having enough faith in my own self worth to allow the people that I love to truly show up as themselves.

 And surprise…surprise….once there was room to love me freely…the love flowed…dinners were cooked….parties thrown….kisses freely given. I was finally allowing people the opportunity to do what they have wanted to do for a very long time…truly love me.

It was a  delightful and poignant journey to first learn to trust them enough and love myself enough…to allow them the opportunity.

And this took some doing….I know this….the time together with DK was complicated and filled with those kinds of moments…I played them all out with DK….in living color.

And through our “hanging in” together…and some back up support from Hank…(yes sometimes I require a team!) I found a richness…like the chocolate covered strawberries that DK fed me….from his mouth to mine on our last evening together….I will never forget the feeling of this beautiful eagle  feeding one of his beloved chicks…and that chick was me. I spent a night in that nest…being loved and cared for…and loving back. The tenderness of that morning will not leave me.

Could I have created these moments? Even thought about it? The truth is never…and the moments were so beautiful and sexy for me…and they happened because I allowed on the deepest of levels….it was only by my truly releasing my power and control… that DK was able or even wanted to show up in his power and love me his way….instead of me trying to create something….control something…out of fear that nothing would happen if I didn’t create it.

Love given freely…without invisible hooks…is so much sweeter.

It reminded me of another scene in “Tell Me.. That You Love Me” on HBO…one of the wives wants to order in a dinner to make a betrayal up to her husband…she calls a famous chef…she tells him to cook and deliver “whatever he wants…” but then not a moment later she says…”But no Picata..or veal…or white sauces…but whatever he wants!” Yeah, right. I got her number….cause I was that….pretending not to control…but always controlling on some level or another….

Within DK’s emotional and physical arms…with his insistence that I hold still and feel…his strength that did not allow for me to wheedle my way this way or that…I completed something that I had been trying to understand….trying to heal….trying to make peace with… for a very long time.

And I had no idea that this completion would happen for me on this trip…during this time. I didn’t even know that I was looking for a completion….There is so much power in the letting go. The creation of space that allowed me to find myself in a place where I could truly reach my own truth.

Have I really been on an erotic journey? Is that what this has been? Or have I been on a quest all along to simply find out who I am and learn to love myself? Perhaps it has been all the above….

In truth, I have spent my entire life being frightened of my own sexuality. It felt too big too me. And there was some kind of fear…that if I truly embraced my sexual self as a part of my whole self…that I would get into some kind of “Big Trouble”. So if I boxed it up….contained it….married it up….that somehow…I would be safe from myself. The fact is…I couldn’t contain it…my sexuality leaked out all over the place…in unconscious ways.

But once I consciously uncovered and owned…my own unique beauty, my own sexuality and my own sense of self without all of the self imposed morality….judgements…roles….excess weight….work…and boundaries…the magic began to really unfold.

Yes…in the past…I kept very busy running my own life…and the lives of others…until one day I stopped…and realized that on some level…I was filled with holes…and I really didn’t know who I was anymore….if ever.

This morning I know who I am. I even know my shadow self…and have made a certain kind of peace with her as well.  I am a whole. And all my parts belong to me.

In this wholeness there is lots of delicious space around my soul…I have let go of agendas but not my desires…not my love of life and adventure.

Yes…I think Ladies and Gentlemen…I am celebrating the completion of my Act Two…And I can’t wait to see what is going to show up in Act Three….

This entry was posted on Saturday, September 15th, 2007 at 8:34 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.