But sometimes I find it distracting to my experience….I went in and out of that place yesterday with Hank….Processing…Writing…Witnessing and Talking to myself as I moved through so many deep, rich moments.  It was almost as though I was my own Sacred Intimate…holding space for myself WITH Hank…..

I had flown into Hank’s apartment like a freight train…all wound up…..spinning and going about a hundred miles an hour……My life continues to be like some very bad over done…over written drama….”Oh…let’s add this into the scene..and see what happens to our heroine!!!” “Na….writing that in would be too much! No one would believe THAT too….but okay…I am willing to try it! Let’s see what happens!” Only it’s not some bad, over done piece of theatre….it has really been my life.

I mean…after a while…I don’t even want to listen to me….and all I had been doing since I had seen Hank last… was talk….and process…..and work through all the various stresses on my plate. My body was screaming to be touched….I wanted breath…..I want sensation….I wanted to get out of my damn head….

I had purposely put on a matching black bra and thong set….yes….from my Lyon Lingerie Collection courtesy of Master Jacques….it has rhinestones…and lace….and is so lovely…..the bra simply exists to display my breasts….nothing more. I threw my black stockings into my toy bag and black high heels with matching rhinestones to wear for Hank….why not? It was fun last week….it is so good to switch things up….try on new things…and I get to do that with Hank if I want to….so why not? It makes ME feel good…it is fun for me…..it is play! And I needed some play! Even if in the moment it felt forced to me…I knew that later…once I was with Hank…I would be glad that I had made the effort for myself.

So…this force of nature….this freight train….arrives at Hank’s…I put down my bags and belly up into his arms. I swear…if I could have climbed into his underwear to get as close as I could to him…I would have.

I requested that I just down load to him my week…and not process too much of it…I just wanted to share with him what had been happening…..so he understood where I was….but I wanted to spend most of my time physically being touched…I knew in my heart that I needed that to get through this week.

“Okay….” Hank said. “Ten minutes…go for it” He offered for us to go to the futon…or sit…but I just want to stand in his arms. I wanted the ground under my feet…and I wanted to talk facing him…close to him….and I wanted to be held while I did this. I wanted to feel our bellies breathe into each other. And by standing with his arms around me…he was providing a physical feeling of containment for my energies that felt a little sloppy…a little over flowing…

So…just like that…standing in Hank’s arms…I began to go through the drama in my life…each part….

As I got to a particularly scary and painful part…Hank stopped me…..”Slow down, Sasha…Slow down. FEEL it. You are rushing the emotion…..can you feel it rise up?”

I stopped….I rested my head in the corner of his neck….I breathed. I thought of Chrys..one of my teachers in the Sexological Body Work Class….and now a friend.

I thought of her quite a bit during that session with Hank…I encouraged myself to open to anal breathing as she had taught me…it is a breath that is so deep and relaxed that as you exhale you can feel your asshole relax and open….and I allowed myself  to take several deep anal breaths….

It calmed me…but breath also allows you to feel more fully. And I was not at Hank’s not to feel….I showed up to really, really, really feel it all. I was safe there….I could welcome all of my feelings….I was in Hank’s arms….and I felt protected.

“That’s right…feel it all” Hank softly encouraged…as he often does….How often had he said those words to me? “That’s right…feel it all”…..”Daddy has you…..your Kinky Gay Daddy….has you Baby….” I looked up and smiled into his eyes at his words…Yes…my Kinky Gay Daddy…..

I slowed it down…I opened my breath….I told my story….I felt it all….I had wanted Hank to undress me….but all of a sudden I wanted to unveil myself….I took off my shirt…and revealed my special black rhinestone bra that was really just a French platter for my breasts…it was the opposite of containment….I slipped off my pants revealing my matching thong….

And I stood before Hank just like that….in my bra and panties…my stockings and high heels….I wanted to be seen….I had spent so much of my life hiding my physical body on one level or another….this was the year for being seen….in all my perfection and imperfections….

I looked into Hank’s eyes….I allowed his eyes to come inside mine….there were no veils….I had no curtains up. I stood naked in my vulnerability…and it occurred to me that I could not remember allowing anyone….ever…..to see me so purely.  Yet….his man….my Kinky Gay Daddy….as he named himself in a moment of glibness….held this space for me. This very pure space….where I felt completely free to be seen…..where I could be my little girl vulnerable self….my over done…stressed out executive self….my often struggling married self…my big goddess sexual self…..my “please teach it all to me” student self….I could show and share with Hank all of me…and he never dropped his arms…or his gaze. It was all seen and loved. What peace that is….and I watched myself being held in his arms…I watched myself being held in his gaze….I watched myself in my very soft and open place….like a clam that has been opened….on the half shell…the belly of the flesh it was just right there….quivering and defenseless…I wondered what my own face looked like in that moment….had I ever seen my own face like that? So open? So vulnerable? No….I don’t think so…except in the reflection in Hank’s eyes.

Yet I wasn’t scared….I didn’t feel like I was going to be eaten up…like someone was going to throw cocktail sauce on me and let me slide down their throat in one swallow.

Instead it was just fine for the shell to open….and be witnessed and seen….the soft belly of my soul was safe…..and my breath was flowing…Hank must of held me standing for close to an hour….in various stages of emotion…He kissed my hair….he allowed me to curl into his body…..we breathed together….belly to belly for a long time….so much breath….and soon there was a shift in me…my emotional self had calmed……my erotic self was surfacing…..we began to talk about desire…the difference between stating ones’ desire…and requesting. How they are two different things…and how stating one’s desires….did not require your partner to do anything but witness your desire…he didn’t require them to fulfil it. It was an interesting distinction.  And this was turning into a session of stating desire….and feeling my spirit.

My favorite way to start my physical sessions with Hank is grounded on the floor….bent over the massage table…with my bottom exposed…and my belly aganist the table….it provides me with a feeling of surrender, submission…and vulnerability in just the position….it also exposes some of my favorite pleasure centers…..and offers them up to my partner.

And so….after Hank admired and played with my breasts on a French platter….he lead me to bend over the table….I was so happy….I stretched out my arms….I wiggled my bottom….and I began to receive his hands….his mouth…..his breath….Hank put his arm through my legs…..and held me like that in my core….through my first chakra….Oh…it felt so good…..some place beyond good….

I began to state some desires….”I want to feel your furry stomach aganist my skin”…..is one that I remember…..I could feel Hank gently and firmly spanking my bottom….arousing my vulva…..I lifted my legs….and wrapped them around him……as if we were playing wheel barrow….I was in a place of movement and surrender…..Hank gradually removed my clothing…..a high heel was removed….and then I was gently spanked with it…..hmmmm…..that was a new feeling….the sharp distinct feeling of a sole of my high heel…. smacking my ass…..there was something incredibly erotic about that…..his hands deep in my vulva…..his breath on my rose bud…..I was sighing…and moaning…the energy was flowing…..I felt gloves play on my back…..gloves??

Oh……Hank was going to do some anal play…..I felt unprepared for that…..but I opened my breath and let go of my inhibitions….as I felt Hank’s fingers slipped into my bottom…..lots of breath…..lots of sensation….fingers fucking my ass…..my vagina….breath……spanks…..mouth….tongue….teeth…so many flavors were being offered to my body……was I screaming? I don’t know…..but I was breathing….moving the energy through my body like a trooper….Chrys would be so proud I thought….it is one thing to teach clients how to use breath….to open and feel….to coach it….it is quite another to watch your own body do it naturally….because you have practiced it so much…..I had a moment of being proud of myself for breathing!!! For moving energy….for my practiced sexual self…..spirit was moving through me…..so many sensations….one black stocking on….one off……Hank undoing my bra……the thong being removed…when did I become completely naked except for one black stocking?

I was a pure pleasure cell…..I was wondering all over that table….dancing with Hank….He would lift a leg….kiss the sole of my feet…..move me around..and my body went where he wanted it to go…..I was in complete surrender to him….how did this happen? This shift in our relationship? When did touch with him become so erotically charged for me? I do not remember….but in his own way…..he got me to surrender so deeply to him…that I was responsive putty….. I turned onto my back….and I could feel rope tie my wrists…and secure me to the table….”This is to protect you…and me….” Ah huh…..yes….because I was feeling like eating him up at the moment…..I wanted to kiss his chest…..the way I do with DK. I wanted to take his cock in my mouth…..and give him pleasure….yes…tie me up…..we will both be safer that way I thought……I named some desires…..I don’t remember what they were now….they were spirit desires that come and go with passion….and erotic energy…..I felt my ankles be secured…well….may one was tied…..but they were both cuffed……it felt like Hank’s tongue was between my legs….but I knew that wasn’t right…..that he was not kissing me there….it simply fingers….but it felt like his was kissing me….it was so delicious…..so many kisses…..

I had requested clips…..deep sensation….and I could hear him opening the bag….and then Hank put a clip on each breast….0n my nipples….AH AH AH……the sensation was so delicious…..I love these clips….they are black plastic….not the fancier silver chain clips that you can buy…these came in a plastic bag from Mr. S Leather in San Francisco…and the sensations from them are simply perfect for my body…..

I could feel him place four on my outer labia…..I was in heaven…..and then there was more spanks as I was shifted on my side…..they felt so good…all of the sensation was delicious…..Hank’s fingers never lift my vulva for long….and I was writhing on the table…I was shame less….I was pure erotic spirit….I was full of charging breath…..I think that I requested my vibrator…..there was clips….and fingers…and buzz…..and I was holding onto the ropes…holding my face…..I was pure pleasure……so many orgasms without climax….I was a rolling field of pleasure…..mountains of sensation…..”oh God….oh God…..Oh GOD!!!”

And I heard Hank say it back to me….”Oh God….Oh God….Oh God….” praying with me…inviting spirit…..this was endless….this place…..I wanted to climax…..please…..let me climax…..I don’t always need that…but today I did……”Please give me my hands…..I want my freedom!!”…..”Of course you do…..” Hank said.

I wanted to control the vibrator…to give the climax to myself….but Hank wasn’t having it……I moved into the vibrator…..I danced with it….the clips were still on my body…..and he began to remove them…..one by one….OH….OH…..OH……the sensations!!!!

I grabbed the rope….I arched…..I felt the explosion of it all as I climaxed so deeply that I thought that I would die right there….and then there was the after shocks….and kisses from Hank on my body…..I felt emotion run through me….like I had done a big draw….I told myself to feel it all…that it was okay……I moved into child’s pose…..as Hank released me…..and I allowed my breath to move the emotional waves through my body….they didn’t scare me….I didn’t shut them down….I just let them run through me…..and it was familiar and felt healing….and I knew that this was a year that I not only took back the ownership of my vulva….but it was a year that I had learned how to support my own healing…..

I wanted to be held….to move to the futon…..to be in Hank’s arms…..and so we did …….slowly……I didn’t cover up…..I went naked with him……and layed in his arms….I think I might have given him one playful nibble…..as I sank into his body…

Peace…..I was filled with peace and calm….I was so complete……I looked into Hank’s eyes…how can I express the gratitude that I feel for this man? There is a card that I have seen….it simply says….”Thank you for Being”.

“Sasha…I think I just seen a new you….I am looking at you right now…and you look like a Cherub to me….”

Of course I do. I had just visited heaven.

Yes…that would sum it all up quite beautifully.

Apparently he caught wind of my mention of his shop in my blog….and he has been SO helpful to me in ordering new things!!! I am SO happy! I can’t wait to wear my goodies!!

So…if you went to the website and looked around…and wanted to buy something for yourself or a certain someone…just email Jacques what you are interested in! Tell him the American size….and he will help you via email….I just copied the description in French…popped it in an email….and Jacques was off and running….you could even send him a photo to help him help you! He told me what would work..and what would not…

I am such lingerie trash….I love it….and I have really looked around…..I have got to tell you that no one has such an exotic and beautiful selection as Jacques…Ah…the French!!!

So the holidays are coming!!! Or your birthday….Or you just want to have a great time!!!  Treat yourself or someone that you love….

What I really love about many of the selections…is that you can actually keep some of these pieces on during play….or love making…it is kind of fun to be stripped down to one little sexy piece…that can stay on…..with no hampering to access to any part of the body….

My nipple jewelry was bought at this shop…and my golden shell dildo g string…..(both are pictured on the site)….so much fun!!!

So….you might think that I was getting a free gift with this little review….but no…..This Goddess has never gotten involved with that…..I just want you and or your lover…to have some fun….feel deliciously sexy…..and have a great time!!!

Tell Jacques…that the Renegade Goddess sent you!!! It will make him smile!!!!!!

I feel His hands stroke my hair…..and press my head into his body….Such tenderness between us….it almost hurts.

“Lift your hair”

I do…I anticipate the feeling of my leather collar encircle my neck. His hands are practiced…and then He lifts my face to Him once again.  His eyes ask again…”Are you ready to give yourself to me?” and my eyes answer “Yes…Sir”……His mouth opens to mine….and He kisses me deeply….with one hand holding my hair firmly in his grip and another holding my waist close to Him. Delicious….He tastes delicious to me…..and He is not rushing….today it is slow…..all of His touch is tender….greeting me…..allowing me to melt into Him…..I find my mouth moving over His chin….His neck….His chest….worshipping Him…..and He is allowing…..I look up and His eyes are closed…..as He simply feels me….my tongue teasing His nipples…the clink of His gold rings against my teeth….the chill of it against my tongue…..I can feel the heat building in my own body…..

He breaks away from me…and reaches for my wrist cuffs…I stand quietly as He fashens them one by one on each wrist….and then be bends down…and each ankle receives it’s own leather bracelet…as if I would run….as if I would move.

If He told me to stand and not move…I would not move. I do not need cuffs…or  restraints…chains….or rope. I just require to know His desire….that is all…..

His energy…..His request….His desire…..that is what asks my soul to surrender….the rest is window dressing….sexy window dressing….and perhaps more than that…ritual.

I am secured with my hands of my head…wrists together….and my legs are secured apart.

I watch Him….and He brings out a little leather flogger….and begins to tease me with it….on my nipples…my breast….my tummy….my vulva…..and in between the leather bites…are His bites…His mouth….His hands…..I am groaning…..writhing with sensation…with pleasure.

He covers my eyes. I am in darkness. He allows me to feel a different flogger tickle my face….it is much bigger than the tickler…I can feel the weight of it as it runs over my body…..and as He begins to flog my breasts with it….Breath…Breath….Breath….always Breath…..Oh God…Oh God….Oh God…..so hard….it is so hard…..when will He stop? The word “No” never comes out of my mouth….but my knees are bending…I am twisting….I cannot help it…..other sounds come out of my mouth…..and then my mouth which is open in cries is filled with His mouth……

“Take a big breath” He says…..

And I can feel a clip attach to my nipple. “AHHHHH” releases from my mouth….SENSATION. Lots of sensation.

“Take a breath” He says…..

And I can feel my other nipple surrender to a clip as well.

I am breathing….I am moaning….

“Take a breath”…..and the ritual continues as clips are placed on my outer labia….I count six…..I am so hot….I am groaning….growling….He is teasing me…playing with them….I can feel His tongue on my clit…..as His hands play with the clips….so much intensity….I feel as if I am going to climax…..I don’t want to….I breathe deeper….I try giving myself little big draws….to shift my energy a little…so many colors behind my eyes….and then I feel a punch on my chest as a clip is removed….I hear my own screams of pleasure and intensity….and so the ritual continues….as each clip is removed….slowly…allowing me to feel each one….so deep….filling all of my senses….nothing matters anywhere in the world in that moment except each individual clip.

He takes off my blind fold…His blue eyes hold my brown one…..His mouth kisses me….His hands play in my hair…..He unclasps my wrists…He rubs them…and get my circulation moving…He unclasps my legs….and moves me away from the metal frame….He grabs my collar and brings me to my knees…..”Suck my cock”……Yes….Yes…Yes….my mouth opens for Him….once again my mouth meets the metal of gold…the heat of flesh….I feast on Him….I am like  a woman who has not eaten for months and months and is given a tray of delicious food…..I cannot get enough of Him……My mouth travels…I reach for His Balls….for His “Taint”……I love the sex filled musky scent of Him…..I love smelling and tasting is Desire….I am drunk on it.

He reaches for my collar and pulls me up to standing…and His mouth meets mine…can He taste Himself on my lips? Like a spice of some delicate meal? Tongues…Teeth….Breath….

I am ready for Him to take me….I am begging inside for Him to throw me down and fuck me forever….But instead He sits down on the bed…..and grabs me….and I am over his knees in a single swoop.

I am filled with excitement….and disappointment…..more?? Isn’t it time for love making??? Please??? I feel one of his legs hook around my body…..I reach for a pillow….I feel His hands on my ass…..holding my flesh…..I feel His mouth kissing my flesh….biting it….I groan….oh….it is so delicious….just kill me now……let me die just like this….

And then He begins to spank. He spanks in patterns…not very hard….in bd/sm land they call this “the warm up”……I love the warm up. It feels so so so good…..the sensation is in this middle place…..and my Yoni must be soaking his lap…..He reaches forward and plays with my nipples….and then He reaches between my legs…and laughs….Yes…Yes..Yes…I am hot for you….Yes…Yes…Yes….I am all yours…..was there ever any doubt?

And then His hand crashes down on my ass and I jump and shriek. I was lost in another place..and now we were shifting into yet another place of sensation….of play….

“This is going to hurt” He says…..

“No really?” Slips out of my mouth. Stupid Girl.

My wise crack is met with a rapid succession of very hard spanks…..

“Yes…Really” Is the unspoken answer…..

He spanks my ass…the insides of my cheeks…my upper legs…..all with his hands….and it is sharp….and biting….I am relieved when I initially feel the leather of this flogger lay on my back before He spanks me with it…..THUD THUD THUD replace the SNAP SNAP SNAP of His bare hands….I grunt with each stroke….the flogger is still the easiest sensation for me…..I relax into the pattern of it….my flesh is hot…..I am breathing…moaning….melting deeper and deeper onto His lap….and then I hear Him say….”We are going to do FIVE”…..when He talks numbers….He is talking about His black paddle….I know that five does not seem like a lot….but you have never felt His paddle….especially after spending ten minutes across His lap…..my ass is already on fire….I hear myself say “no no no no” I groan…I whine………” ‘NO’ is not a safe word” He laughs……”Now count…and don’t get behind with your counting….and say the words…”

WHACK! I scream…..I try to scramble away….but I am glued to his lap. “ONE!!! Thank you Sir…May I PLEASE have another!!!”

THWACK! “NONONONONOON……TWO!!!!! Thank you SIR…may I PLEASE have another…..

I am on fire…past fire….I don’t know that I can do this….I am kicking….I am holding onto the pillow…..three and four come fast…..I am wild on his lap….I am counting…..and then FIVE land squarely across both my cheeks!!! “PLEASE SIR NO MORE….PLEASE!!!!”

His hands are soft on my ass….There are kisses…the sensations are killing me….with pleasure……He pulls me up to hold me…..but only for a minute….

“Turn over…..put your ass in the air”

I quickly turn over…..and I feel Him come up behind me…..I feel His hands encase my entire vulva…..His fingers reaching inside of me….I can hear the tear of a condom…..”Take a big breath Baby……” and He fills me with all of Him……over and over and over again…..

Right now…here are some assorted things that make smile…and turn me on……

This slide show of Folsom always puts a smile on my face……brings back memories and makes me very, very happy.

Yesterday…I received an email from Ray Stubbs letting me know about a clip from Betty Dodson that was on the ASEP Website called the inner clitoris….it is WONDERFUL….and it only takes two minutes to watch….go to the very bottom of the page…and while you are there listen to Nut…the clip right above it talk about her perspective of being a sacred intimate/healer….she is really something! Oh…and check out the meeting….the it going to be quite the gathering! It makes me very happy and totally turns me on to know that I am going!!!!!

I am currently looking at Nipple Charms….I just found this website…I love things to decorate my body that are not permanent…and this site is full of such beauties for not a lot of money…..I haven’t ordered anything yet!!!!! Just looking…and smiling!

I am addicted to these scrubs and creams…by La Licious! I can only order them through the site….I love the coconut scrub…and the vanilla cream….I also love the brown sugar scrub….but the link to order it has been broken for months and months and they don’t seem to care! So so very sad!!!! Nothing will make you smell more yummy….or your skin feel so smooth……

When I want to listen to the stars….I enjoy my Free Will Astrology by Rob Brezsny who wrote Pronoia Is The Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.  Just sign up for his free newsletter! It comes every Wednesday….it is a free present in your email box! I just LOVE him! And while we are on the stars….let’s not forget the Universe! I also love my free Notes From TUT and the Universe! Once again….Just sign up with TUT…Fill out your profile…and you will be amazed at what the Universe has to say to you five days a week!!!!

Okay….back to shopping!!!!

Here are some of my favorite places to lurk…..

I always want something from this fabulous shop in Lyon, France…..there is nothing like it in the United States…if there is please let me know!!! The only problem is the site is in French….and I can’t figure out how to order anything!!!!! But oh la la!!!!!

When it comes to fantasies…I have always wondered about this place…it feels very “The Story of O”….what would it be like to go there??? So…dark and mysterious…a little dangerous? Hmm….

I love reading the “What’s New” page on Don Shewey’s website. There is always something there for me….Just loved the Cat Cartoon that he put up from You Tube….and I think that I have read every article on his site….I just love his writing on sacred sexuality….he writes almost exclusively about his work with men….and from his view point as a gay man in this world of sexual healing….but it is all basically universal….so read his writing even it you are a straight guy….or woman….lesbian…whatever…..it all applies…and yes…this man also has a practice and he works with everyone….including people with vulvas even though it is not high lighted on his site.

And yesterday when I was looking for a picture of the vibrating egg to show you….I found this on Stiletto Diaries….I might just have to buy it….

And then I got really turned on reading this site….”The Switching Hour” which also has great spanking links…if you are into THAT kind of thing….I really love the pictures…and I got really turned on by a very basic spanking story…

And for guys that are into health care….you need to check out this new site The Healthy Prostate  and ladies if you love your men…..give it a click and check it out!!!

Well, that should keep you busy for awhile!!!! Hopefully there was something for everyone here….wish that I could be like Oprah and just give it all to you……alas….no sponsors….YET!!!!

It was my first time….and a couple of things occurred to me with going….first of all that I rated! Funny huh? That I was a sex blogger. And apparently a pervert? I didn’t really think of myself that way….but I guess since I use language in my blog like… ”Vulva”….”I want to suck your cock”….and “He brought my panties down just beneath my bottom”…..I guess….this COULD be considered by some people as a sex blog! And I guess that SOME people might think that what I enjoy….is a little perverted…..hmm….never thought of it THAT way!!!!

Then I started to wonder about the etiquette of attending a high tea for sex bloggers….I mean…what did one wear? Did I wear fetish clothes…or do I arrive looking like some kind of East Side Mom……does one arrive on time? I mean…..the invitation did state quite clearly 3pm……it did not say arrive between the hours of such and such…..and we were asked to bring something……so I fretted about these things for a while…..I decided to arrive at 3:15…..and I brought pate’s and cheese straws….and a bottle of port. I always over do……and in thinking about all of this….I started to think about this very weird new etiquette of my life…..the ways of  behaving in this brand new world of mine….and I started to remember a story……of DK….and the vibrating egg….and Safeway.

So….DK and I had just finished a fabulous, delicious…..very sexy time at his apartment….and  we were going to go to visit friends for cocktails and then go to dinner.

DK  held up the egg and smiled….I was only too happy to comply. The issue was that this time I was not wearing good vibrating egg clothes! You really need to be wearing tight fitting tights….or panties…to really ensure that the egg stays where you want it to stay!

But I was game…of course I was…..and I popped the egg into my g string…I was wearing loose fitting pants…..Yes….we all know where this is going…..but just stay with me!

So we hop into his hot sexy sports car….and we decide to stop to get wine….I, of course…the chosen bottom…. pop out of his car into Safeway to pick up the wine…..

As I am looking at the wine….my vibrating egg drops from my pants like some golden egg…and rolls across the floor. Now…what would Emily Post say here?

I look up and this man is looking at me….completely startled and amused. I smile…roll my eyes up….in an “oh well” kind of way…..trot off after my egg and pick it up…..I look at him…smile….and give it a brief rub….like you would an apple before you bite into it….

“I’m a Mother….” I say to him…..”Five second rule!” and I pop the egg back into my pants! Grabbed the wine and proceeded directly to check out! Laughing at myself…my brazenness…and my so not caring….so I decided that the etiquette of socially unacceptable public sex behavior is simply to act natural! What? Is something wrong? And to normalize it as quickly as possible!

Why that incident came to me as I proceeded to Viv’s apartment….I don’t know….but I did.

Now….what’s the etiquette on blogging about Viv’s Tea Party? Hmmm……I really don’t know…..and I do want to be invited back…..so why don’t you check out her blog today…and see if she writes about it!!! And if she does….I get back to you tomorrow….cause the Sissy Maids that served us wine and tea were just FABULOUS!!!

I woke up to him taking my hand and putting it on his hard cock.

Okay.

I took a breath.

A lot had gone down this week….and all of our lives are full of choices. We can choose to open or we can choose to close. We can choose to try…or we can choose to stop trying. We can stay in that hot red place of anger or we can move to forgiveness.

The pink elephant in our marriage was now out in the open….and being handled. I was now involved in it being handled. I knew that it was being handled. And in that there was relief and safety.

I had said to Hank….”My marriage feels like a dropped vase……” and he responded to me….”You know….there is a saying about  dropped vases…..the cracks can let in the light.”

It had been since before August…..I don’t really remember when…..the last time Devon and I had made love. He simply had not reached for me…..and now…..and now…..he reaches for my hand to show me his desire……

Breath.

I allowed my hand to close around his cock….to touch him…..his cock is so familiar to me….the shape…the heat of it….the length of it…..I can feel him quiver under my touch…..my husband is quivering……I had never felt him quiver….after 27 years…..he is quivering……

Breath.

I spread the energy over this body….the way that I have been trained to do…..I moved the heat and the desire through his body….and every where my hands traveled…he shook and quivered like a man possessed…..

“I have missed you so much”……he whispers…..”I am so so sorry…….”

I kissed his bald head…..I kissed his stomach…..I love this man.  How can I explain to someone that has not been in a relationship that is almost three decades long…what it is to be in one? How imperfect it is…..and how perfect it can be…..with all the cracks. And in my ripe old age….I have come to realize that he does not have to be the only one to fill my heart…that my heart is big and requires different things….and he does not have to be all things to me. He can simply be him…..and I can love him.

He moves from my touch, and shifts me to my back….I can feel his mouth on my breasts…in my nipples…..his hands on my body…..his tongue on my pussy…..wet…flickering…loving me…..I am going to climax in seconds…….

I still don’t understand why I don’t have expanded orgasm experiences with him….I simply climax quickly….and why with Zan…or Hank…or DK…..I hardly ever climax…instead I stay in this place of expanded pleasure sometimes for hours….but it is hard for me to finally climax. And sometimes I want to….and yet I don’t.

And it does not matter that there is no vibrator….Devon brings me to climax swiftly with his tongue…..over and over again…..

I pull him to me….”come inside me….”

“I will come quickly” he says….I am still excited…..

“I don’t care….it’s okay.”

We both want that place in our marriage….that place of us….imperfect…and perfect…..

I open my eyes and watch his face in his pleasure…..it is a beautiful face.

Yes….there is still marriage in our marriage.

It’s imperfect. It’s broken. It’s pasted together with band aids and super glue. And right now….I can feel the light coming through the cracks.

A lot of healing is going on……and I am opening to it….not closing to it.

Life is full of choices.

This morning I ran out the door to be at The NY Breast Center at 8:00 am for my mammogram and sonogram. I was terrified.  And it took forever. But “The Girls” are healthy….nothing suspicious….and I am so, so relieved. I felt like a huge weight was taken off of my body.

I skipped out of there and went right to Hank’s apartment. It would be my first session in two weeks and I had really been missing Hank. I missed him holding me….talking to me…and seeing me….loving me. Hank’s space is a safe place for me. A little haven in mid town Manhattan.

I was really needing to feel topped…and contained…and I was really wanting someone else to run the show for a little while…and I was also feeling talked out. I had been through so much emotion this week….I just wanted to feel…to go deeply into myself and feel my body…my spirit.

So I wrote Hank ahead of time…and alerted him to the fact that I really wanted to start with touch today…rather than talking…which is my usually pattern. I also did something very different. I packed what I call “intentional clothing”.

I threw in my toy bag, black silk pull up stockings…my red velvet corset…a black lace g- string…and this beautiful lace frilly soft bedroom jacket. I had never dressed in intentional clothing with Hank before.  First of all, Hank identifies as gay….not as bi-sexual…so…there was a part of me that was like….well….what’s the point? I am not going to turn him on with my full breasts and full hips and round ass….even if I dress all my parts up!  I am shaped very much like a woman. I am not one of those “boyish” looking girls.

But the thing is….as I have gotten closer and closer to Hank…..sometimes when I connect with him erotically….when he is holding space for me in that special place….I can feel him. Truly feel him erotically.  My spirit touches his….It doesn’t matter that he is a man that loves men and that I am a woman….I can feel his erotic spirit touch mine….and when that happens it is beautiful….it is like touching something holy. Yes….I often say…..”Oh God….Oh God….Oh God….” when I am in those moments….and I truly believe that there is a reason for that!

And there is a part of me…that really reveals myself when I dress in intentional clothing. I am showing a part of who I am. It is self expression. And it is vulnerable….and intimate to reveal myself like that….especially when you are doing it to share that with a particular person.

And today….I just felt ready for Hank to see all of me….all the different sides of me. I really wanted to be seen in my own expression of my feminine energy.

So even while I was dashing out of the house…filled with dread over my upcoming tests….I was shoving intentional clothing for my session in my bag!

When I got to Hanks’….I let him know that I was healthy….and just went into his arms.

It felt so good to be held by him. And he just held me for a while…and then I told him that I had brought a change of clothing….and he was like…”Oh really?”….He was playful…and welcoming….and all about…well get to it….let’s see! So…off I went into his bathroom to take off my day clothes….and put on my frisky bottom clothes!

I felt a little self conscious appearing before him…..I didn’t really know what I had put together…I was in a bit of a rush….he said that I looked a bit like a naughty sex kitten….

Hank admired me…looked at all the parts of my outfit…..and we talked about how it felt for me to reveal myself to him like this….I love that about Hank…we talk about all of this stuff….it is all so conscious…and there is something SEXY about that…we talked about how he could perceive this as  armour….but to me…it was the opposite of armour….for me it was the most revealing act that I could do….perhaps even more so than being naked. Because my dress is an expression of my sexuality…..

I gave Hank my collar….I wanted all the rituals….and it felt so good to have it placed around my neck. And then he blind folded me…and began to hold me….it felt wonderful to have his hands on my waist…to feel his breath….I kept wanting to curl up into his arms…and feel my belly breathe into his….and his belly breathe into mine….and we did this for awhile….it was so calming. I was so calm during so much of our time together…..and so aroused.

Hank holds space for me in such a delicious strong container…he never has to tell me about our container….it just is…and it can be as gentle and loving as it is strong…and intimate…I am always welcome to come as I am….and I am always held…and I am always seen. Truly seen….all my parts. And it always feels like Hank honors them. All of me. Even the parts that need light….my shadows.

 How many places are there like that in a person’s life? As Hank held me….and brought me over to the massage table…and bent me over….and secured me to the massage table….my wrists….my ankles…….I laid my head down on the table…and rested….I was at peace….I was calm…..I knew that I was about to go for a ride….that I was even becoming a little aroused…as he gently rolled down each stocking…..feeling one leg being bared at a time…feeling the difference between silk covering my leg…and the air touching the other leg….his hands on my bare skin…his hands on my skin covered with silk….I could feel my breath beginning to rise…..Even though this was going to be a bd/sm session….there was a peacefulness….a calmness….my erotic core was at peace….it was gently being fed by a loving hand…and I opened my petals…one by one..

And Hank and I played in what felt like a brand new way….in some way….there was a new growth for us…..perhaps it is just time….being together….working together for over a year now…..the level of trust is just deeper….and there were so many different parts to our time together…and the subtleties of it all….

How when I went on my tip toes…as I often do with pleasure and sensation…he slipped his foot under mine….it was such an intimate  act…that came from knowing me…and I loved feeling his foot under mine…and he played with the soles of my feet….with gentle tickling….not enough to make me totally crazy….but just enough to make me squirm and enjoy the deliciousness of the sensation….and as he brought my panties down….he played with them…and left them just below my ass cheeks…it was so sexy….and hot….like his breath on my skin….and his body against mine….and his hands began to spank  my bottom….and I was more receptive to sensation than usual.

Perhaps it was my emotional week….but I was tender….and surprised that my body was really registering his hand…but I think that Hank got that…and while he continued to spank ….and then used the paddle….forty strokes…with me counting down the last ten….it was not with the intensity that he could have used….and I was grateful….because I felt each stroke land….and it was enough. Surprisingly….it was enough…..And then there was his mouth….his mouth on my neck…on my back….did he bite my bottom? He might have…..I was melting….my yoni was hot….his hands played there…..while I whimpered and sighed…and opened my breath…..and then Hank came around to the other side of the table and leaned over my body…. my head was against his stomach….and he encased me with his body….with his hands on my ass…..and it felt so good I thought that I might die right there from the shear pleasure of it all…..and then his hands were on my face…and I buried my face deeply into his palm…..like a mask….I could smell my own musky scent on his hands….and I began to kiss his fingers….one by one…and then he fed me this fingers….like a cock…I sucked them…tasted them…nibbled them…..again….I was aware of my own scent on his fingers…I thought that I could taste myself on him…and it was sexy….and rich…..and he murmured and encouraged me….and then he opened my mouth…..and I just let him….I was his to open…..to play with….to explore…..and his fingers were in my mouth…..and at times it was like taking his cock down my throat….it was just like that….only it was fingers…and hands…and I kept wanting to rub my face deeper into his hands…to hide in them? To be held by them? To be contained and held by them? To love them and honor them? Yes…perhaps all of it….and the musky sexiness of their smell…..it was rich…and I was a molten pool of hot lava….simmering….

And then I was brought onto the table on my belly….and Hank secured me again….but first he took off the rest of my clothes…the corset came off….and I was now naked….and secured….and so deliciously hot….while being so deliciously calm…..and Hank I laughed….I don’t know at what…but we would laugh together…and then we got darker together….and we would float from places from being present in the reality of the session…..to being present simply to spirit….and I moved from laughter…to deep hot breaths of arousal….to tears….and back again….and it was easy….and natural….and I just let it all flow…..the laughter….the tears…the groans….the unbelievable wetness of my pussy…..his body on top of my mine….was he aroused with me? Was I feeling that? Could he be? Was it a strap on dildo? Or was his sexual spirit simply touching mine? I was surprised…and not sure…but there was a part of me…which never cares about hard cocks being a symbol of arousal…because they often are not….men with soft cocks can be very aroused….but there was a part of me that liked feeling his hardness move against me….that perhaps he was touching the place with me that I was touching….and I felt honored by that….and met…….and I wanted my eyes….I wanted to look into his eyes……I wanted my freedom…to be unfettered….I managed to rip off my blind fold…and shake out my hair…but I was still strapped down on my belly…..I remember saying…”I want my freedom” and hearing him chuckle his response…”Of-course you do…” His hands…a toy perhaps….all filled my yoni….I was deeply in a place of erotic peaks and valleys.  And I kept feeling his spirit dancing with mine…and then the leather flogger….kissing my skin…and it felt so delicious…the thump..thump…thump…of it all….and so much flowed through me…the entire week….came…and went….and in the midst of it all….a song kept coming into my head….out of no where…It belongs to Lee Ann Womack….and it goes like this…

“I hope you never lose your sense of wonder.
You get your fill to eat, but always keep that hunger.
May you never take one single breath for granted.
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed.
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean.
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens.
Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance.
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.    
I hope you dance-hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance.
Never settle for the path of least resistance.
Livin’ might mean takin’ chances, but they’re worth takin’.
Lovin’might be a mistake but it’s worth makin’.
Don’t let some hell bent heart leave you bitter.
When you come close to sellin’out, reconsider.
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance.
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean.
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens.
Promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance.
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.
Dance
I hope you dance.
Dance.
I hope you dance.

And I don’t know if I was singing it in my head for me….for my life….for all of you that read this blog and are in my life…or my children…for Devon….or even if I was singing it in my head for me and Hank in that moment…perhaps I was hearing it for all of us….because I was so clear….that I was not sitting out my life….that I was dancing…..and every-time that I was getting the choice to sit things out…..or dance….no matter what….I got up….and I danced….and I was feeling so blessed that Hank was with me in that moment….and that he was not sitting it out either….that we were dancing together….through breath…and tears…and laughter….spirit…and desire…..so many layers….so much richness…..so much beauty as we danced….danced….danced…… 

After awhile, I realized that I was not helping.  I was simply adding more damage to a already very damaged situation. And it was clear to me that I was not spent. I could have gone on and on….being ugly…..and awful…..and hurtful.

In the end I was not helping him to get done what he had to get done. I was not helping myself or my family. I was keeping him from “fixing” the problem by distracting him with my rants. So I left the apartment for most of the day…and worked from the road as much as I could.

And I heard from people who love me. It is kind of interesting keeping a blog…you don’t have to call people to tell them about your life. They can just read about it. They don’t have to call if they don’t want to…they can read it and think…”Oh God…I am not calling her today! I don’t have a hour to kill to listen to her sob!”….but today….a few very unexpected people called  me…and wrote to me…and made me feel really cared about….and loved. Zan sent me all kinds of reading….my number charts…my astrological information…..chapters upon chapters of reading….I have a north node in Virgo and Scorpio….Who Knew?  And he told me that he was there for me….and how much he loved me.  And it was good to be reminded of that.

When I woke up this morning to find Devon asleep in a sleeping bag on the couch….so lonely looking… it occurred to me….who is calling Devon and supporting him? Who does he talk to? And how lonely that must be for him. Yet…I had to let him be in this space. I could not melt and give in like I always do….conveniently forget….this time outside forces was not going to let me forget.

I heard from one friend, who gave me the biggest belly laugh of the day. This is one of my girl friends from San Francisco….she called me to remind me to breathe.  I loved that. And I love her.

 And somewhere in the conversation….while I was trying to convince her or myself that I was alright…I said…”Hey….I am not renting cup cakes! That is something! I could be eating entire grocery stores and making myself sick.” and she understood….”Yeah” she said….but that never makes us feel any better in the long run….” and I agreed. Why is that? Why do I want butter cream and white cake when I get like this? And the result is never pretty.

“Have you ever flogged yourself?” She asked.

I started to laugh. Only my friends! Do you think the Junior League women have these conversations?

“Hi Buffy…I was feeling really bad…so I took of my pearls and started some self flagellation….and presto chango….I felt so much better that I felt like cleaning the kitchen until it sparkles and making the family home made chicken pot pies!”

No….I don’t think that happens….but here I was entertaining the idea of using the flogger on myself.

“Well, sometimes”, my friend said….”I just really need that thumping feeling….and I just let the flogger fall over my back…over my shoulders….and I use it with breath work….and sometimes I cry…..and it is a really good meditation and clearing…..it’s kind of hard to spank yourself!”

Wow. I actually got that. It was a really good idea. I mean, Monks used to do that until the Church banned it…..I guess they found out that the Monks were probably digging it. 

Since this happened, all I have wanted is to be topped. I keep thinking of my session with Hank on Friday…..praying that it will work out and that he will be able to see me later…and I was planning on asking him if he would top me. Right from the beginning….I don’t want to start out talking….I just want him to top me…..I need to go to that place of release just for a little while…..

What my friend was suggesting, while it made me laugh….was an interesting concept….and I totally got it….plus…think of the money I could save!

“Remember” She added…”You just have to remember to use your safe word!”

I could not stop laughing….

It is so good to have friends….people that reach out….and can make you laugh. In the middle of a storm….

And I just have this wonderful feeling about this trip…I am loving the expansion of my community….I am going to love learning from people that I have only read about…and I love that I am taking care of myself in the ways that I can….and I love that DK is coming at the end of the trip to spend two days with me.  Yes…waking up and knowing that this trip was waiting for me in less than a month….was a wonderful thing.

My oldest son had just told me that he has never been happier in this life….and as a Mother….I cannot tell you how that warmed my heart….to see him becoming the man that he is….I am so proud of him….and I was starting to settle into the idea of my mammogram and sonogram….knowing in my heart that I was fine…and that I was just going to get the reassurances of that fact. Isn’t that a great thing? I will put this fear and dread behind me. And I will celebrate my healthy breasts by asking Hank to do breast bondage with me! And enjoy the dickens out of them!

And then, there came some news that rocked my world. Devon was suppose to do certain things….and he never did them….they were big things….and these were big promises….I had told him that if these things were not taken care of ….that it could mean the end of our marriage…..These things have been an ongoing issue in our marriage. It has been going on for years….with fights…and starts and stops…..and threats and promises….And I have not taken control….because on one level…..at this point I really can’t.

He has to do it. And I have had to surrender to that fact. But he has not been a trust worthy top. Here is a man that has told me how much he loves me….how much he wants to stay in this marriage….but I just keep looking at what he DOES not at what he SAYS.

And perhaps…this has been the core issue all along. I cannot desire a man that does not make me feel safe….and Devon can love me all he wants….but if he does not do what he needs to do for this family to make me feel safe…then the container is broken….and I cannot surrender….I cannot desire him sexually….I can pretend to want him….but I don’t. I can’t.  I have become clear that I doubt that I will ever want him in that way again.

An ending happened today. I asked him not to come home….My feelings of betrayal…..my let down….my sadness…..are so big. I had trouble catching my breath….I thought that I would die from the pain today. I am not being dramatic. My body hurt…I thought that perhaps I could have a stroke.  I could not calm down.  Death. I have been this upset when someone I know and love has died.  That was the level of grief I was feeling.

I was filled with “How could he?” He asks me to trust….so I trust…and then I am dropped from the top of the Empire State Building!

I walked the sidewalks of my town crying yesterday….trying to keep myself sane.  I walked by all my old friends…the bakery….the grocery store….I was not going to destroy myself….I needed to be my own strong container….even if I was hysterical…and hyperventilating.

I spoke to three friends….but that was all. What was there to say anyway?….I did go into a little….”See….See….see what happens if I surrender to this man? He fucking drops me!” I should have taken over….I should have done it all…..but I know that this is not the answer either….

I wanted my “rocks”….but Hank is away….I might get to see him on Friday…after my mammogram. I really hope that this works out…and DK….well….my relationship with DK has limitations.  I want him to offer love and support….I don’t want to ask for it…because it feels like topping from the bottom then…and then what he offers me is not real. I want it to come from him. And it often does not…or if it does….it comes in the hard dark smack of his paddle.  And right now….there is no holding….

 I am not on his radar most of them time…he is very present to me when I am with him….but when I am not….I am not. That long beautiful letter that he wrote to me the other day….is the exception….not the rule. Often DK will send a few sentences….or a few words. Usually there is very little between us in real communication even if it is almost daily. Sometimes I can still touch the energy between us through the vapors….but sometimes I cannot.

I wrote to him as I usually do with my food check in yesterday….and let him know enough of what was up….and I got a sentence or two back….I had wished that he would have picked up the phone and called me….cared enough to call me….but that didn’t happen. Yes…he is not available for that. And it hurt briefly….reading those two sentences….there was not any…”Take care of yourself sweetie….there was no….soft words…..no loving support…just an affirmation not to abuse food….and that he was glad that I was reaching out to friends.  Those sentences felt cold and hard. They were not what I was wanting. But I really didn’t expect anything more…but I felt disappointment….and I felt alone.

I went into the bathroom….my youngest had had some weird toothpaste party in the sink….there were globs of it everywhere….I looked at it….at the waste….

You just can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube. Once it is out….and you are looking at it….it’s time to wash it down the sink.

I really need local play partner…I found myself craving the feeling of strong hands…of energetic connection….the release of breath as my skirt is lifted…and my panties lowered….my body is absolutely craving a long, deep sensual spanking….and all that goes along with it….and like a woman wandering the desert….I have no idea where my next drink is coming from…..and yes…in those moments…I do think of Him….

I mean…what if….I opened my door…and He was there…

I was startled by his presence….I often am. Sometimes I am startled by how unassuming He is when He wants to be…and other times…well….other times I am startled by how commanding His presence is…..

This time…He was in a place of command….I could tell by His eyes….the fact that He was not wearing a shirt….the gold rings shining …. (He walked through the streets of my neighborhood like that? Well….it’s my fantasy!)

I could feel my heart start to race….I opened my breath as He took hold of my leather vest (yes…once again…my fantasy….perhaps I was doing the dishes in it….and pull up black stocking….and high heels…and a almost see through black skirt) and He begins to toss me around gently….with a tease…..His blue eyes were twinkling at me….It occurred to me that He does not have any endearments for me…once in a while He has called me His “Sex Kitten”….but that is rare….it occurs to me that He often does not address me accept by my given name….there was once…when He wrote to me….and addressed me as “Sweet Goddess”…..and it pleased me so much that I saved that note….it was a moment of softness….and moment where He showed me in words the softness that pehaps He carries for me in His heart….but none of that was present in words as He was tossing me around in my vest….Suddenly He tossed me to the bed….it is thrilling and off putting when He does that….

I sat up and looked at Him…..waiting…..He sat down…and pulled me onto his lap so that I was facing Him….His kisses kept coming….I was melting into Him….breathless….hungry for Him…..but allowing the pace always to be set by Him…..always receiving Him….loving what He was feeding me….

“Across my lap….” He doesn’t have to say “Now”…that is implicit.

It is always so interesting…the shifts….from the kissing….to something else….I shifted my legs…my body….and I had to get up off of Him to adjust myself to lay over His lap…..I guess I was not moving fast enough….He grabbed my vest and pulled my down….my balance was off…and I went crashing down…

I felt Him bend over and kiss my back…..His hands running up and down my legs…..I felt Him lift my skirt….Oh God…..I love that feeling….I love the feeling of the first kiss of air on my naked flesh….and I let out a sigh of pleasure….and that makes Him laugh….and I smile…..part of the pleasure for me is the shared pleasured….

He runs His hands over my ass….firmly…..it feels so good….I wiggle into His hands…welcoming Him….inviting Him…..He pulls on the string of pearls between my ass cheeks…..of-course I am wearing my special G string….and the pearls rub against my clit….and I moan……He bends over again…and bites my ass….oh god….it is so intense…His teeth against my flesh…..”OH OH OH!!!”……I begin to look for something to grab onto…..I shift my weight so I am no longer touching the floor with my hands….I raise myself up….and kind of curl around his body….so that I am still across His lap….but I upper  body is now on the bed….very close to Him….I reach for a pillow….I know that we are going on a journey….and I am going to need something to hang onto!

The spanking begins slowly….hands spanking my legs….my bottom……His hand squeezing my shoulders…pushing me down….deeper in the bed….I am enjoying this time….this “warm up”…..it is so sexy….His attention…..the slow tingling of my flesh….the slow building heat of my bottom….oh god….yes…yes….yes…..and then He begins to spank  deeper….and my breath quickens along with the spanking…His hand can sting…..and He plays with the deep spanking strokes…and soft strokes of his fingers on my tingling awakened flesh……I can feel his mouth on my back….so many sensations…..and then He goes deeper again…spanking even hard….my body reacts….my feet looking for the ground…my hands gripping the pillow….my voice leaving my body…..I am in trance…..my breath is so deep….in rhythum with the strokes of His hand…..

“Five….we will do Five now….they will be hard”.

Of course they will be….His paddle is never soft….there is no part of this man that is soft….this big dark wolf of mine….”WHACK”! My body lifts off of his lap…and His hands pushes me right back down…..I can never anticipate the paddle….no matter how many times it has visited it me…”COUNT!”

“ONE!!!!!” There was no instructions for the usual sentence….”Thank you…Sir….May I PLEASE have another!”…..so I didn’t offer it…..

“WHACK WHACK WHACK!!!!”

“TWO…THREE…FOUR!!!!!”……..Oh God…..All I can see is Red…..He stops…and softly feels my flesh…..it feels so wonderful…..I am so hot between my legs….perhaps He is done with me….perhaps……I feel done….I feel so done…..”Take a deep breath!!!” I do so as the paddle comes crashing down with the force of a metor crashing to earth. I heard my own voice scream “FIVE!!! FIVE!!! FIVE!!!!”……and I completely curl up around His body….turning myself onto my side…..asking for no more…..He pulls me up….and kisses my face…..my lips…..and then tosses me back down on the bed….on my tummy…..

He was making fast of work of me…put wrists cuffs and ankle cuffs on my body…..and chaining me to the bed….I was breathless….and full of anticipation. I love being spread like this….on my belly. I felt like teasing him back….but there wasn’t much time….He was on me like a dog on a bone. And I had about as much power as a bone. The crushing weight of Him on my body….His hands pulling at my hair…His mouth on my neck….His tongue…

He is sitting square on my legs….and pulls my hair up….He is going to flog me….I know this now….I just want Him to fuck me….but it is not my agenda right now….it is His…..He lays the leather whip over my head….I can breath in the leather….as he teases me with it….running it over my flesh…..Oh God….I do love this…..the seduction of the leather….and then the crash of the leather against my flesh….over and over again…as it travels from shoulder to shoulder….to my ass….and then back again…..flogging is always so much easier for me to take than His paddle….even when it is hard…..and He always plays with the tingle factor with His finger tips…..I am mush……I feel like begging Him….to take me….His fingers are exploring….and between the whip and His fingers….I am close to climax…..when I hear the rip of the condom….He unclips me…..my wrists…..my ankles….I raise my bottom up for Him…..to receive Him more fully……

Yes…..a woman wandering in the desert…..

But don’t feel too bad…..I will let you in on a secret….guess who is coming to spend a few days with me in Arizona….in four weeks at the finish of the Association of Sexual Energy Professional meeting?

Yes…water is on the horizon……